Monday 2nd November 2020 - 12:59:37 

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Sex is Like a Restaurant

Sex is like a restaurant

Sometimes you get good service

Sometimes bad service

Sometimes no service

And many times you got to be happy with 'Self Service'

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The Old Gentleman Walks into a Bar

An elderly gentleman walked into a bar.

He was very well dressed and even had a flower in his lapel. Perfectly groomed white hair.

He sits down next to a old lady, also good looking for her age, and says "So tell me, do I come here often"?

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Letter from a Deep Sea Diver to his Sister

Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.This is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it off to laughline and won a contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one) Anyways...anytime you think you have a bad day at the office remember this poor chap.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I'd share my dilema with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me I must first bore you with a few technicallities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office, it's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.So whatwe do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, Of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.I pulled the hose from my back, but the damage was done!!!

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivyyou once got under your cast. Now I had the hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not so fortunate!! When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jelly fish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my delima over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell.

When I got to the medic, with tears of laughter streaming down his face, he handed me a tube of cream and told me to "shove it up my ass!" when I get in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could have easily been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think of how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jelly fish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office, but if you do, I hope this will make them more tollerable. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love you, Tom

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A Man Walks into a Bar

A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eyeing this beautiful lady in the corner. Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off.

Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!"

So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him. Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!"

He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer. Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Who's stupid monkey is this anyway?"

The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player."

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"

To this the piano player replies, "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll play it."

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No Baby Talk Please

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People'words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People'words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done
"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride,and said,

"Winnie the SH*T"

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The Lecture

Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."

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A Telephone Conversation


**Pick Up**


"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank" After a

brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle


"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the

phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and

shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it


"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran

around screaming. Then she tripped over the! rug, hit her head on the

dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he

jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess

he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the

bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says . . ..

Swimming pool??

Is this 555-7039??????"

No !


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Colonoscopies Are No Joke

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"

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Suv Black Box Voice Recorders Last 16 Seconds Before the Crash

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 39 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit !"

Only the states of Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Kentucky, South Carolina, North Carolina and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin".

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Rodney's One Liners

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

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Old Jokes   51    52    53    54  55  56    57    58    59   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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