Sunday 8th December 2019 - 17:44:14 

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It is Important for Men to Remember that As Women Get Older

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.

For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.


Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Ron.










EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his as* s, with only 2 inches of grip showing.

His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her “Not Guilty”, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.




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A Tip from a Geordie

A Geordie is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Geordie baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Geordie shrugs, "That's about average in the Northeast. Like I said, my boy is a typical Geordie baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Jeezaz" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Geordie returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Geordie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?"

The proud father answers, "17 pounds"

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Geordie father takes a long slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............






"Had him circumcised"


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German Engineering

A German visits a prostitute and says" I vish to buy sex vit you, but I must varn you I am a little kinky."

"No problem", says the prostitute.

So off they go to the prostitutes flat where the German produces 4 large bedsprings and a duck whistle.

He says " I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs"

The prostitute thinks he's a complete nutter, but goes along with his request and ties the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your handz und kneez" says the German.

The prostitute obliges and balances on the springs.

"Now you vill pleaze blow ze whistle as I make love to you."

The German drops his trousers and does the business.

The sex is fantastic, she is bounced all over the room by the German, all the time she is blowing the duck whistle.

The climax is the best she has ever had and its several minutes before she can get enough breath back to say "That was amazing, what do you call that?"

The German replies " Four sprung Duck Technique"





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Senior Love Story

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective
religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old
friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best
thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and
then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen.

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy says, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me
down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said.."Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we f*ck."




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Sex is Like a Restaurant

Sex is like a restaurant

Sometimes you get good service

Sometimes bad service

Sometimes no service

And many times you got to be happy with 'Self Service'




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The Old Gentleman Walks into a Bar

An elderly gentleman walked into a bar.

He was very well dressed and even had a flower in his lapel. Perfectly groomed white hair.

He sits down next to a old lady, also good looking for her age, and says "So tell me, do I come here often"?





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Letter from a Deep Sea Diver to his Sister

Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.This is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it off to laughline and won a contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one) Anyways...anytime you think you have a bad day at the office remember this poor chap.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I'd share my dilema with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me I must first bore you with a few technicallities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office, it's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.So whatwe do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, Of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.I pulled the hose from my back, but the damage was done!!!

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivyyou once got under your cast. Now I had the hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not so fortunate!! When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jelly fish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my delima over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell.

When I got to the medic, with tears of laughter streaming down his face, he handed me a tube of cream and told me to "shove it up my ass!" when I get in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could have easily been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think of how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jelly fish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office, but if you do, I hope this will make them more tollerable. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love you, Tom







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A Man Walks into a Bar

A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eyeing this beautiful lady in the corner. Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off.

Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!"

So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him. Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!"

He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer. Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Who's stupid monkey is this anyway?"

The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player."

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"

To this the piano player replies, "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll play it."



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No Baby Talk Please

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People'words," she was always reminding them.


She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People'words!"


She then asked Mitchell what he had done
"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."


She then asked little Alex what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"





Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride,and said,


"Winnie the SH*T"





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The Lecture

Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."






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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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