Monday 24th September 2018 - 20:25:32 

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Two It Guys Talking in a Bar...

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work.

"Guess what," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me
to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"





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Gorilla

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,and holding on with one hand (and2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more.

The husband suggests pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your minge" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing Flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.

Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla, and slams the cage door shut. *"Now tell HIM you've got a headache"!*




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Tiger Woods

A couple were on their honeymoon.

Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" she says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."




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Romantic Rhymes

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with
the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are
you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime





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Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy, Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."





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Why There Are No Snakes in Ireland

Archaeologists excavating in County Meath in Ireland have recovered what they think is an original manuscript by St. Patrick dating back to 455 AD. It was found near the famous Stone of Fal on Tara Hill, the spot where St. Patrick was welcomed back to Ireland by one of the great Celtic kings.

The ancient parchment manuscript is believed to be the oldest written Christian text ever recovered in Ireland. It is estimated to be the most valuable find in the 20-year research project since the discovery of the Tara Brooch in the same area. There is speculation that it may be in St. Patrick's own hand.

Celtic scholars, historians, and religious scholars are excited by information translated from the original Old Celtic that purports to support what up to now has been considered a religious myth: St. Patrick's driving the serpents out of Ireland.

Celtic language experts say St. Patrick writes that God revealed how to drive the serpents from the land in a vision. St. Patrick ends his narrative by quoting what God said to him in the vision:

"Pat! Trust me, it tastes just like chicken."




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Bear Facts

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it,and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear".





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It is Important for Men to Remember that As Women Get Older

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.

For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.


Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Ron.










EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his as* s, with only 2 inches of grip showing.

His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her “Not Guilty”, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.




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A Tip from a Geordie

A Geordie is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Geordie baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Geordie shrugs, "That's about average in the Northeast. Like I said, my boy is a typical Geordie baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Jeezaz" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Geordie returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Geordie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?"

The proud father answers, "17 pounds"

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Geordie father takes a long slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............






"Had him circumcised"


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German Engineering

A German visits a prostitute and says" I vish to buy sex vit you, but I must varn you I am a little kinky."

"No problem", says the prostitute.

So off they go to the prostitutes flat where the German produces 4 large bedsprings and a duck whistle.

He says " I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs"

The prostitute thinks he's a complete nutter, but goes along with his request and ties the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your handz und kneez" says the German.

The prostitute obliges and balances on the springs.

"Now you vill pleaze blow ze whistle as I make love to you."

The German drops his trousers and does the business.

The sex is fantastic, she is bounced all over the room by the German, all the time she is blowing the duck whistle.

The climax is the best she has ever had and its several minutes before she can get enough breath back to say "That was amazing, what do you call that?"

The German replies " Four sprung Duck Technique"





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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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