Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 20:42:31 

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The Bottle of Wine

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back."

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A Scottish Minister

A stand-in minister is doing the rounds and goes into a Scottish hospital as a stand-in for the hospital priest.

He's being escorted around one of the wards, goes up to a patient who immediately launches into a rendition of "Wee cowerin' timourous beastie". The minister, not being able to get a word in, goes to the next bed where the patient launches into "You take the high road and I'll take the low road and I'll be in Scotland afore ye!"

The minister, now rather troubled goes to the next bed and gets assailed with "On the bonnie banks of loch lomond" followed by "Get down South you Sassenachs!"

Finally the whole ward resounds to "Wahay the Scots and Bonnie Prince Charlie and Rabbie the Baird and the Lord of the Isles!"

The minister looks at the Doctor and asks "Why are they all spouting Scottish poetry and the like? Is this the mental wing?"

"No," says the Doc - "this is the Serious Burns Unit!"

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Here's One for Farangs in Asia

I took my lovely wife to the UK six years ago and, parched, we entered a local bar at 10.50 p.m. Just as we approached the bar, the young bartender rang the bell for 'last order's' and my wife responded "Oh, they want to buy us a drink!"

She's lived in Thailand too long!

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Thermos Flask

Paddy is working on a building site and hears the lunchtime he goes to the portacabin and takes a seat, unwraps his sandwiches and fills his empty belly.

An English fella sits down next to him and produces a Thermos Flask from his bag, and proceeds to pour himself a piping hot cup of coffee.
Paddy looks on in amazement and remarks ''What de bleedin hel_l is dat thing''?!

The English fella turns to him and says ''Its a Thermos Flask, Paddy''

''Well what the hel_l does dat do then''? asks Paddy

''It keeps things hot, and it keeps things cold'' responds the English fella.

''Well dat is amazin' - when i get off work today I'm gonna get meself a T'ermos Flask straight away''

The next day, the lunchtime bell goes, and the English fella is already seated in the portacabin eating his lunch. In walks Paddy, beaming from ear to ear, clutching a bright shiny new flask under his arm.

The English fella remarks ''Oh, so you got one then''?

''I fokin did''!! says Paddy

Another builder turns to Paddy and asks ''Whats that you got there then''?

''T'ermos Flask'' is Paddy's response

''Oh, right, so what does that do then''? enquires the builder

''It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold'' says Paddy

''So what you got in there''? asks the builder

Paddy replies: ''2 cups of tea and an ice lolly''

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A Little Old Lady in Court

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"! And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

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Liver & Cheese

A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a drink. A gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight."

So the White guy says, "I love liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not good enough."

The Black man says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not creative either."

Finally, the Filipino says, "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

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One from the Philipines

A pregnant Pinay lady is involved in a car accident in San Francisco and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother from the Philippines flew in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name, guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

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Water Vs Alcohol

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of EscherichiaColi Bacteria found in water that contains feces.
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum,gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it !!

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One for the Scousers

Liverpool, deciding they need a new striker, are told of a young Iraqi who has a lot of potential. The manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are playing at Old Trafford and are 4-0 down with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters. All while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "Sorry??!!" "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

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What's for Breakfast?

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

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Old Jokes   54    55    56    57  58  59    60    61    62   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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