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Health & Fitness - Factfile. Questions & Answers

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it..........don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"



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Policy

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.


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Doctor's Prescription

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"




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The Poor Pastor's Wife Returned from Shopping...

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."




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The Bottle of Wine

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back."






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A Scottish Minister

A stand-in minister is doing the rounds and goes into a Scottish hospital as a stand-in for the hospital priest.

He's being escorted around one of the wards, goes up to a patient who immediately launches into a rendition of "Wee cowerin' timourous beastie". The minister, not being able to get a word in, goes to the next bed where the patient launches into "You take the high road and I'll take the low road and I'll be in Scotland afore ye!"

The minister, now rather troubled goes to the next bed and gets assailed with "On the bonnie banks of loch lomond" followed by "Get down South you Sassenachs!"

Finally the whole ward resounds to "Wahay the Scots and Bonnie Prince Charlie and Rabbie the Baird and the Lord of the Isles!"

The minister looks at the Doctor and asks "Why are they all spouting Scottish poetry and the like? Is this the mental wing?"

"No," says the Doc - "this is the Serious Burns Unit!"



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Here's One for Farangs in Asia

I took my lovely wife to the UK six years ago and, parched, we entered a local bar at 10.50 p.m. Just as we approached the bar, the young bartender rang the bell for 'last order's' and my wife responded "Oh, they want to buy us a drink!"

She's lived in Thailand too long!



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Thermos Flask

Paddy is working on a building site and hears the lunchtime bell...off he goes to the portacabin and takes a seat, unwraps his sandwiches and fills his empty belly.

An English fella sits down next to him and produces a Thermos Flask from his bag, and proceeds to pour himself a piping hot cup of coffee.
Paddy looks on in amazement and remarks ''What de bleedin hel_l is dat thing''?!

The English fella turns to him and says ''Its a Thermos Flask, Paddy''

''Well what the hel_l does dat do then''? asks Paddy

''It keeps things hot, and it keeps things cold'' responds the English fella.

''Well dat is amazin' - when i get off work today I'm gonna get meself a T'ermos Flask straight away''

The next day, the lunchtime bell goes, and the English fella is already seated in the portacabin eating his lunch. In walks Paddy, beaming from ear to ear, clutching a bright shiny new flask under his arm.

The English fella remarks ''Oh, so you got one then''?

''I fokin did''!! says Paddy

Another builder turns to Paddy and asks ''Whats that you got there then''?

''T'ermos Flask'' is Paddy's response

''Oh, right, so what does that do then''? enquires the builder

''It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold'' says Paddy

''So what you got in there''? asks the builder

Paddy replies: ''2 cups of tea and an ice lolly''




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A Little Old Lady in Court

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"! And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.




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Liver & Cheese

A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a drink. A gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight."

So the White guy says, "I love liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not good enough."

The Black man says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not creative either."

Finally, the Filipino says, "Liver alone, cheese mine!"




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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯



The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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