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The Preacher and the PigA country preacher was walking the backroads near his church. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and in addition to something to drink, she served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a small pig running around the kitchen. The pig was constantly running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visiting pastor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
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A Circus MagicianWith the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee.
The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show. He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave.
"I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.
"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas.
"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!"
Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids."
With that, the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick.
"Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants."
The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.
"Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?"
The man winces and replies, "Yeah."
The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."
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From 'monty Python'Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the english language today, is the word fuck. Out of all the english words that begin with the letter 'f' ...fuck is the only word refered to as 'the f word... It's the one magical word. Just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, as most words in the english language is derived from german ...the word fuieken, which means to strike.
In english, fuck falls into many grammatical categories:
As a transitive verb for intance ...John fucked Shirley.
As an intransitive verb...Shirley fucks.
Its meaning is not always sexual, it can be used as...
An adjective such as ...John's doing all the fucking work.
As part of an adverb ...Shirley talks too fucking much.
As an adverb enhancing an adjective ...Shirley is fucking beautiful.
As a noun ...I don't give a fuck.
As part of a word ...absofuckinglutely -or- infuckingcredible.
And as almost every word in a sentence ...Fuck the fucking fuckers.
As you must realize, there aren't too many words with the versatility of fuck...such as these examples describing situations such as:
Fraud ...I got fucked at the used car lot.
Dismay ...ahhh fuck it.
Trouble ...I guess I'm really fucked now.
Agression ...Don't fuck with me buddy.
Difficulty ...I don't understand this fucking question.
Inquiry ...Who the fuck was that?
Dissatisfaction ...I don't like what the fuck is going on here.
Incompetance ...He's a fuck-off.
Dismissal ...Why don't you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself...
I'm sure you can think of many more examples.
With all these multi-purpose applications, how can anyone be offended when you use the word. We say use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech.
It will identify the quality of your character immediately.
Say it loudly and proudly...
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Father to his Son:Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?
Father: So you could earn some money.
Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest.
Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your bank account .....and you would never have to work again.
Son: I'm not working now.
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Bumper StickersBest Bumper Stickers
I poke badgers with spoons
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Frodo failed. George Bush has the ring.
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Excess is never too much in moderation.
Think globally, Act galactically.
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
Don't believe everything you think.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never believe generalizations.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
Avoid alliterations always.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
What would Ashton do?
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
What would Gandalf do?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at night.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?
Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
What wouldn't Jesus do?
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
So many cats, so few recipes.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
On your mark, get set, go away!
What would Scooby do?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
If you can read this, you're not the president.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Liberal Arts major: will think for food.
Visualize Whirled Peas
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
I didn't climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
What we need is a patch for stupidity!
Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
Rehab is for quitters.
My dog can lick anyone!
I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.
I'm out Of Estrogen and I've got a gun!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Mop and Glo - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You - Off my planet.
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
In dog years, I'm dead!
South Korea's got Seoul!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
A day without sunshine is like night.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Old age comes at a bad time.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Hang up and drive.
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
I fish, therefore I lie.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Worry. God knows all about you.
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!
Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!
Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
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A News Reporter on an Assignment Met Up With...A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen? My God, girl! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! 13? You are crazy!" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
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Guns, Doctors and LawyersDoctors:
The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000
The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of F.B.I.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat immediatly. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!
Note: Out of concern for the public at large, the statistics on lawyers have been withheld for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
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Who Said That?It was the first day of class and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurant owner, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" said the teacher. Now, who said, '...that the government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Sam Houston, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled out, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
A voice yelled out, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone mumbled, "Oh fuck, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
With that a boy threw a board eraser at Pedro. Another student shouted "Duck!"
The teacher, just coming to, asked, "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"
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On Arrival in HellOne day a guy died and found himself in hel_l. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hel_l!"
"hel_l's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink"
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "######, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do"
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . "
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized hel_l was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Family Golf StoryA father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.
But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots".
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Maam, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Glenfiddich Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time for the rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father came up, knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb said, "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
Moral of the story: AGE WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME.
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