Thursday 29th October 2020 - 13:46:24 

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The Two Campers

Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.

The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not freaking going!"

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The Car Boot Sale

A man is wandering around a car boot fare(garage sale to our colonial friends across the pond)
He comes across a stall selling books and after a bit of rummaging around finds a title called "Zen Buddhism"

"How much for this book?"asks the man

"1 pound"replies the vendor

"OK I'll take it"says the man and then he hands the vendor a 5 pound note.

The vendor put the fiver in his pocket then went to serve another customer. 5 minutes passed and the man says to the vendor"What about my change mate?"

There was a slight pause then the vendor spoke. "Change must come from within"the vendor replied

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Excerpts from a Book Called Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

q: : How far from the accident were you when it happened?
a: : He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
q: : Nonsense how can you be so precise?
a: : Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it.

q: : What is your date of birth?
a: : July fifteenth.
q: : What year?
a: : Every year.

q: : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
a: : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

q: : This myasthenia gravis... Does it affect your memory at all?
a: : Yes.
q: : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
a: : I forget.
q: : You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

q: : what was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
a: : he said, "where am i, doris?"
q: : and why did that upset you?
a: : my name is susan.

q: : she had three children, right?
a: : yes.
q: : how many were boys?
a: : none.
q: : were there any girls?

q: :Are you sexually active?
a: :No. I just lie there.

q: :could you see him from where you were standing?
a: :I could see his head.
q: :and where was his head?
a: :just above his shoulders.

q: :any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
a: :the victim lived.

q: : how was your first marriage terminated?
a: : by death.
q: : and by whose death was it terminated?

q: : now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
a: : did you actually pass the bar exam?

q: : the youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

q: : How old is your son - the one living with you.
a: : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
q: : How long has he lived with you?
a: : Forty-five years.

q: : And where was the location of the accident?
a: : Approximately milepost 499.
q: : And where is milepost 499?
a: : Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

q: : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involvedin voodoo or the occult?
a: : We both do.
q: : Voodoo?
a: : We do.
q: : You do?
a: : Yes, voodoo.

q: : Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
a: : Yes.
q: : Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
a: : Yes, sir.
q: : What did she say?
a: : What disco am I at?

q: : I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
a: : That's me.
q: : Were you present when that picture was taken?

q: : Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

q: : Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
a: : I'll be three months on November 8.
q: : Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
a: : Yes.
q: : What were you doing at that time?

q: : How many times have you committed suicide?
a: : Four times.

q: : Did he kill you?

q: : You don't know what it was and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

q: : Have you lived in this town all your life?
a: : Not yet.

q: : How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

q: : You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
a: : I refuse to answer that question.
q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
a: : I refuse to answer that question.
q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
a: : No.

q: : Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
a: : No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

q: : Were you acquainted with the deceased?
a: : Yes sir.
q: : Before or after he died?

q: : How many times have you committed suicide?

q: : And you check your radar unit frequently?
a: : Officer: "Yes, I do."
q: : And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
a: : Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.

q: : Lawyer: "What happened then?
a: : He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
q: : Did he kill you?
a: : Witness: "No.

q: : Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
q: : Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

q: : You were there until the time you left, is that true?

q: : So you were gone until you returned?

q: : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
a: : Yes.
q: : And what were you doing at that time?

q: : You say the stairs went down to the basement?
a: : Yes.
q: : And these stairs, did they go up also?

q: : Can you describe the individual?
a: : He was about medium height and had a beard.
q: : Was this a male, or a female?

q: : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
a: : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

q: : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
a: : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

q: : All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
a: : Oral.

q: : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
a: : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
q: : And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
a: : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
q: : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
a: : No.
q: : Did you check for blood pressure?
a: : No.
q: : Did you check for breathing?
a: : No.
q: : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
a: : No.
q: : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
a: : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
q: : But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
a: : It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

q: : You were not shot in the fracas?
a: : No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

q: : What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
a: : There were traces of semen.
q: : Male semen?
a: : That's the only kind I know of.

q: : So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it,what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
a: : I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
q: : It was covered?
a: : Yes. Bandaged.
q: : Then, later on, what did you see?
a: : I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

q: : Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
a: : "I swear by Almighty God."
q: : "That the evidence that I give..."
a: : That's right.
q: : Repeat it.
a: : "Repeat it".
q: : No! Repeat what I said.
a: : What you said when?
q: : "That the evidence that I give..."
a: : "That the evidence that I give."
q: : "Shall be the truth and..."
a: : It will, and nothing but the truth!
q: : Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
a: : I'm not a scholar, you know.
q: : We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
a: : "Shall be the truth and."
q: : Say: "Nothing...".
a: : Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
a: : Yes.
q: : Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
a: : Yes.
q: : Well? Do so.
a: : You're confusing me.
q: : Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
a: : Okay. I understand.
q: : Then say it.
a: : What?
q: : "Nothing but the truth..."
a: : But I do! That's just it.
q: : You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
a: : I WILL say nothing but the truth!
q: : Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
a: : What? You mean, like, now?
q: : Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
a: : "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
q: : Thank you.
a: : I'm just not a scholar.

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
q: : How far away he was from the accident.
a: : The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
q: : What? How come you are so sure of that distance?
a: : Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!

q: : On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
a: : I did.
q: : And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
a: : I did.
q: : And did you observe anything?
a: : I did. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
a: : I saw George.
q: : You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
a: : Yes.
q: : Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
a: : Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, would you kindly do so?
a: : He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
q: : His "thing"?
a: : You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
q: : You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
a: : Yes.
q: : Did you say anything to him?
a: : Of course I did!
q: : What did you say to him?
a: : "Morning, George

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The Old Man and his Young Wife

An old Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon
has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly... "You see, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

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A Computer Instructor's Observation

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked nto our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

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The Virgin

A 30-year-old man and woman are lying in bed after making love. The woman lays on her side of the bed and rests. The man goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The woman overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait and give the woman I love my virginity."

Astounded, the woman replies, "So you really love me?"

"No," the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

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The Lawyer and his Unpaid Client's Bill

A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had fired him. A note was attached that stated:
"This bill is one year old"!

By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday".

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The Chemist

This fellow walked into a pharmacy and asked for a vial of cyanide.

The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

He answered, "I want to kill my wife."

"I'm sorry, Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand that under such circumstances I can't sell you any cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.

The pharmacist takes a look at the photo, blushes and replies, "I’m sorry, Sir. I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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Little Johnny's Mother Decided Tell Him All About...

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.

"Do you understand?" his mother asked.

"Yes," replied Little Johnny.

"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.

"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.

"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.

"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "Boy, oh, boy. Daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

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The Wedding Night

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber
and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him,
spread-eagle and naked on their bed.

"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our
bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always
get the hiccups when I screw in that position."

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Old Jokes   2    3    4    5  6  7    8    9    10   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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