Monday 19th August 2019 - 23:13:56 

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Secret Men's Stuff

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second bloke: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife I will a build new pool deck.

Third bloke: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise to remodel the kitchen."

They continue fishing then realize the fourth bloke hasn't said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said what you had to do to come fishing. What's the deal?"

Fourth bloke: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. It went off, I shut it off, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" She said, "Wear sun-block."



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Quasimodo

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

"Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,



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" ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"






WAIT! WAIT! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.




"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but..."





(. . . Wait for it ...)




(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)





"HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."






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Free Sex With Petrol Station Fillup

There was a gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its gas sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7)."

"Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time."

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.

The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged. He doesn't give away free sex."

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."



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Little Johhny on the Train

Little Johnny is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she is not wearing any knickers.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Little Johnny and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Little Johnny, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

Little Johnny stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Little Johnny moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Little Johnny replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"



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Fire Fighters


One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical manufacturing plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire brigades from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company GM rushed to the Captain and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the office near the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the brigade that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off. Soon more fire brigades from towns all around the area had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the new crews arrived, the GM shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the brigade who could bring out the company's secret files and handed them a plan of the complex showing their location.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another appliance came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer brigade composed mainly of old farmers. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire truck, operated by a couple of the local cockies, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers on the back of the Acco began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the farmers had extinguished the fire and with some assistance over the radio from the company GM they also managed to save the secret formulas.

The grateful GM joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $250,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters on the old tanker.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said the 70 year old Captain, "the first thing we?re gunna do is fix the bloody brakes on that truck!"


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Tae a Far-apologies to Robbie Burns

Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous win'

The neeps 'n' tatties 'n' mushy peas
Stert workin' like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae maiter whit the hel_l ye dae
A'bodys gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it disnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom

God almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae s**t ma breeks
Tae the bog a better scurry
Aw whit the hel_l, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
A'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

Wis him! A shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late, he's jist keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome ony mair

Where e'er ye be let yer wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' wan wee farty


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Work is a Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest gathering where u find Brothers of All Races (BAR). Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.


You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


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Bastard!

GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD

PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .. Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!


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The World's Funniest Joke -- Official...

From Reuters:

After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world's funniest joke was revealed on yesterday.

In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humour, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favourite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.

More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Americans and Canadians favoured jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"

Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."'

Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'

Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk."'

The survey revealed other fun facts:
-- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
-- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
-- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick."

Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

The findings can be read at www.laughlab.co.uk


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Encyclopaedia Britannica Advertised in the For Sale Columns


For Sale:

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows bloody everything.




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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