Friday 15th November 2019 - 07:43:47 

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Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...



This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Sunderland, Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales.


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Oral Sex

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it.

I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people.

Do you know what the letter said? (scroll down)














No? You didn't get one either, huh?


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Two Hungry Tramps

Two tramps are feeling hungry and go up to a big house to see if they can do a bit of work in exchange for some hot lunch.

The lady at the house directs them around the rear of the house where there's a pile of wood to be chopped for the fire.

She asks them to keep out of the way as she is expecting her friends around for a chat.

Twenty minutes later as the ladies are enjoying a cuppa, movement in the garden catches their attention and they see one of the tramps performing cartwheels around the garden.

Impressed, she approaches the second tramp and remarks on his friend's athletic abilities and "Would he like twenty pounds to do some more?"

"Oi!, Tommy," says the first tramp, "This lady's offering twenty quid if you'll chop off another finger!"



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In Pharmacology.............

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them



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Couple on Their First Date

Barry Morris had signed up to a dating company and he had chosen his first date.

He worried the entire week before the date was due to take place and he wondered how he could impress the young lady he would be meeting that night.

The night of the date arrived and Barry went to the restaurant early.

As luck would have it, he happened to see Sean Connery coming into the same restaurant.

As the head waiter fussed over Sean Connery, there was a moment when the big Scot was left alone and Barry seized his chance.

"Excuse me, Mr Connery, I wonder if you could help me. I'm supposed to be meeting a woman here tonight for a blind date and I really want to impress her. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind coming over to our table at some point and strike up a conversation with me. Would you do that please?"

Sean thought about it and, as the head waiter returned, he reached for Barry's hand to shake it, "What's your name? and Barry told him.

About half an hour into the meal, Barry's date seemed very impressed with him. Barry's confidence soared, he was witty, intelligent and debonair.

At this point, Sean Connery came to their table, "As I live and breath," says Sean flashing a big grin, "Barry Morris you old dog, how are you? And who is this gorgeous lady you're with?"

"Fuck off Sean," says Barry, "can't you see I'm on a date?"





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Number of the Beast 666

EVERYONE knows about 666... but I bet you didn't know these other #'s of the BEAST!

660 Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 Beast Common Denominator
(-666) ^ (1/2) Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again? Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 Area code of the Beast
00666 Zip code of the Beast
$665.95 Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 Way of the Beast
666 F Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank,
$666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 CPU of the Beast
666i BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 Next-door neighbor of the Beast
333 The semi-Christ
665.9997856 The Number of the Beast on a Pentium




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Proof The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Do they look different reversed?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time .
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think about this one for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless sales women are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act
Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with One exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." ( Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(From drinking little bottles of . ?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish don't have brains.

And, the best for last...

Turtles can breathe through their butts .
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)



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Like Lightning

Bob: My wife drives like lightning

Ted: She drives fast?

Bob: No, she hits trees!


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Holiday Couple in Spain

A man and his wife are spending their holidays in sunny Spain.

Keen to get an all over tan, the bloke climbs onto the roof, strips off and sun bathes.

After a couple of hours, he comes back into the house and climbs into bed beside his wife and they have a quickie.

Within minutes the guy is in awful pain when he realises that his dick is badly sunburned.

He rushes into the kitchen and opens the fridge to find something cooling. Quickly, he grabs a jug full of cold milk and dips in his pained manhood.

At that point his wife enters the kitchen and seeing the milk drip from the end of his dick says, "I always wanted to know how you refilled that thing!"


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Little Johnny Spending Too Much Time Playing Computer Games

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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