Friday 23rd August 2019 - 09:01:58 

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Toes

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist.

She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. When ever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes".

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

She replied, "Actually no, just between my 2 big ones"!!!








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Top Drawer One Liners

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex
with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were
all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the
river.

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I
dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss
say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....Ann says...
'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital
to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging
one of those again!

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust
bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked
for your arse'.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale
clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's
with a twinkle in his eye.....'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too
much,it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading
again.

Little girl gets lost in a Target store, security guard asks her
'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen, Wales asks 'Can you settle an
argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?'
The waitress leaned over and said 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey pokey has died aged 93. The
worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then
the trouble started.

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started
walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't
know where the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of
tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of
Her pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the
tip of the iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon
suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers
'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!

There now, it didn't really hurt to smile or even laugh out loud!!!!


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Heart Broken

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."


Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.




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Cheesy Jokes

What kind of cheese is the most dishonest?
...Lychees!



How do they stack their cheese in Wales?
Caerphilly



What cheese can you coax a bear out of a tree with?
Camembert



What cheese do you build a sturdy castle out of?
Roquefort



what cheese can hide a horse?
mascarpone



What cheese is made backwards?
Edam



What cheese doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese



Did you hear about the explosion in the French cheese factory?
There was de brie everywhere.



What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi



What is the cheesiest metal festival in France called?
Roquefort



Why did the clown fall down without his cheese?
...because he forgot to get his Stilton!



What's a magicians favorite cheese?
CHEDDAR!!!



How did the cheese monger paint his wife?
He Double Gloucester.


¯\_(ツ)_/¯





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Hair

A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the waitress.

"I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."

The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying.

The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute. The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.

The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is."

The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either."





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Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...



This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Sunderland, Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales.


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Oral Sex

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it.

I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people.

Do you know what the letter said? (scroll down)














No? You didn't get one either, huh?


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Two Hungry Tramps

Two tramps are feeling hungry and go up to a big house to see if they can do a bit of work in exchange for some hot lunch.

The lady at the house directs them around the rear of the house where there's a pile of wood to be chopped for the fire.

She asks them to keep out of the way as she is expecting her friends around for a chat.

Twenty minutes later as the ladies are enjoying a cuppa, movement in the garden catches their attention and they see one of the tramps performing cartwheels around the garden.

Impressed, she approaches the second tramp and remarks on his friend's athletic abilities and "Would he like twenty pounds to do some more?"

"Oi!, Tommy," says the first tramp, "This lady's offering twenty quid if you'll chop off another finger!"



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In Pharmacology.............

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them



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Couple on Their First Date

Barry Morris had signed up to a dating company and he had chosen his first date.

He worried the entire week before the date was due to take place and he wondered how he could impress the young lady he would be meeting that night.

The night of the date arrived and Barry went to the restaurant early.

As luck would have it, he happened to see Sean Connery coming into the same restaurant.

As the head waiter fussed over Sean Connery, there was a moment when the big Scot was left alone and Barry seized his chance.

"Excuse me, Mr Connery, I wonder if you could help me. I'm supposed to be meeting a woman here tonight for a blind date and I really want to impress her. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind coming over to our table at some point and strike up a conversation with me. Would you do that please?"

Sean thought about it and, as the head waiter returned, he reached for Barry's hand to shake it, "What's your name? and Barry told him.

About half an hour into the meal, Barry's date seemed very impressed with him. Barry's confidence soared, he was witty, intelligent and debonair.

At this point, Sean Connery came to their table, "As I live and breath," says Sean flashing a big grin, "Barry Morris you old dog, how are you? And who is this gorgeous lady you're with?"

"Fuck off Sean," says Barry, "can't you see I'm on a date?"





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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