Saturday 7th December 2019 - 23:42:43 

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The Ventriloquist

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day,
mind if I talk to your dog?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog (via ventriloquist): "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

After a long pause-

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f*#%in' liar."




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Wedding Plans

Archie and Jock are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, its all going grand," says Jock, "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.

Archie nods approvingly.

"Heavens I've even bought a kilt to be married in" continues Jock.

"A kilt" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that".

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white"


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Two Guys in a Bar Are Talking About Their Wives.

"My wife is mad at me again," says the first.

"Why"?

"I was legless at the bar across the street last night and she came looking for me".

"What'd you do"?

"I asked her for her phone number".


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Indian Mating Season

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.

"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during the mating season that when Indian men see a cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.

If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,

"Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,

WOOOOOOOOO,

WOOOOOOOOO

WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

.

.

.

.

.

(Get ready),

.


.

.

.

.

.



NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!




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The Inventor

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd.

Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."


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No Calls

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"




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A Man Goes to the Doctor and Says ‘doc; I Think I Might Be Gay’

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I think I might be gay."

The doctor said he would run a few tests and asked the man to undress. The doctor then grabbed the man's balls and said, "Say the number 55."

The man says, "55."

The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and said, "Say the number 55."

The man says, "55."

The doctor said he had one final test and needed the man to bend over. The doctor then inserted his finger into the man's ass and said, "Say the number 55."

The man said, "1..2..3.."



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Chat Up Line

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends on how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."




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Cowboy in Texas

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."



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Toes

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist.

She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. When ever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes".

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

She replied, "Actually no, just between my 2 big ones"!!!








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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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