Sunday 25th August 2019 - 18:17:32 

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Wife's Work on the Sly

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside.
"5th and Main, please."

"You again?" says the taxi driver. "This is the 4th time I've dropped you and your wife off at work."

"Really? My wife doesn't work."

"Yes, she does. I drop her off there everyday, about an hour after I drive you to work."

"There?"

"Behind the Tillman & Lane department store."

"Interesting," says the man. "Tell you what. Pick me up in two hours, and I want you to show me where my wife works." So two hours later, the taxi arrives and takes the man to whorehouse behind Tillman & Lane.

"Hold on," said the driver. "I'll be right back."

There's a huge commotion after the driver goes in, with cursing and screaming and the sounds of breaking furniture. The driver comes out with a woman in a headlock.

"That's not my wife!" exclaims the man.

"I know. She's mine. I'm going back in for yours."





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Major Breakthrough!!!

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough!

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.



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They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true,
so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .
They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned... They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
====================
They walk among us, AND reproduce!






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The Queen Saw from her Yacht

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view.

One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,immobilising it instantly.

The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) ..."I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything an all that about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ...




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G W Bush Was Sleeping when Suddenly He Awoke

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Bush isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Bush pleads.

Abe replies: "Go see a play".



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Dogs and Bars

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a farking Chihuahua???!!!"




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An Aussie Went into an Empty Bar...

An Aussie went into an empty bar in New Zealand and ordered a beer. As he was walking around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line there are initials.

The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?"

"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them as far as they can and mark a line."

Our Aussie hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he could beat all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go.

"Sure," was the reply.

He pulled out his dick and his mark was a full 3 inches past the rest. "How do you like that!" he said to the bartender.

He started to mark his line down when the bartender said, "No mate, start from the other side."






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Real Reason

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fianc้e that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"... Sue me for child support."


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Duck Walks into a Bar...

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we have no bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we haven't got any f****** bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f****** bread! Ask me again and I'll nail your f****** beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f****** bird!"

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?




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Marital Sexual Problem

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your wife's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your wife's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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