Sunday 28th June 2020 - 16:35:04 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly

A Guy Met this Girl in a Bar and Asked...

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies,

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Little Green Frogs

A noted biologist was stumped......
little green frogs in the Okefenokee swamp were dying out, despite all efforts to save them.

Finally he realized the problem was a chemical change in the water.
The frogs were unable to couple long enough.

So he brewed up an adhesive, including one part sodium.

He later explained to the press.......

"They needed monosodium glue to mate!"

Yet another groaner :)

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Quotes: Alfred E Neuman

"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"

"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he'll show you the door!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"

"Thank's to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!"

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"

"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"

"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"

"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"

"How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America?"

"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"

"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"

"Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade!"

"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"

"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The night before my Grandfather died, my Grandmother smeared grease all over his back…

…he went down hill very quickly after that!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Two Chickens Chatting...

Two chickens chat as they are walking along.

"I think I'm going to cross the road"

"I wouldn't.

You'll never hear the ****ing end of it."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Traveling in New Zealand

There was an elderly couple from Iowa visiting New Zealand on vacation a few years ago. They rented a car and decided to tour the North Island. No sooner had they reached the countryside when Mother, who was the driverand was hard of hearing, was pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding.

The traffic cop did the twirly thing with his fingers to wind down the window, which she did.

The cop said to her, "Madam, you were doing over the legal speed limit."

She said to her husband, "What did he say?"

Her husband shouted, "He said you were speeding."

She said to the cop, "I'm sorry officer," to which the officer replied, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to issue you with a speeding ticket." She said to her husband, "What did he say?" He shouted back, "He said he's going to cite you for speeding."

By this time the cop had become aware of her hearing problem, and as he was writing out the ticket, he asked, "Where are you from?"

She said to her husband, "What did he say?"

and he yelled back, "He wants to know where you're from." She said to the cop, "I'm from the United States of America."

The cop then muttered to himself, "I went there once and had the worst sex I'd ever had in my life."

She said to her husband (You guessed it) "What did he say?" to which he replied in a very loud voice, "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Blonde at Work and Wanted a Few Days off Work

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My coworker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing"?

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going"?

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark"!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The Best Cure for Persistent Headaches! !

Joe has been having severe headaches for several years now and his wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure you headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache". "The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

He walked down the street and realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, ‘that’s what I need, a new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit". The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see…, size 44 long". Joe laughed: “That's right, how did you know?” "Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know"? "Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "How about some new underwear"? Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure". The salesman said, “Let's see . . . size 36.” Joe laughed, "Ah ha!! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old".

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

A Man with a Dog Walks into a Bar

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.

"I'll have a bourbon and Coke."

The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?"

"I'll have a Scotch and soda--light on the soda," says Rover.

The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!"

"No, Rover can really talk. While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself, but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog."

The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.

"Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight."

"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."

"Let's go look for him," said the man.

The two went to the drugstore. No Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets, but stil no dog. Finally, they find Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!"

"It's the first time I ever had any money."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Wife's Work on the Sly

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside.
"5th and Main, please."

"You again?" says the taxi driver. "This is the 4th time I've dropped you and your wife off at work."

"Really? My wife doesn't work."

"Yes, she does. I drop her off there everyday, about an hour after I drive you to work."


"Behind the Tillman & Lane department store."

"Interesting," says the man. "Tell you what. Pick me up in two hours, and I want you to show me where my wife works." So two hours later, the taxi arrives and takes the man to whorehouse behind Tillman & Lane.

"Hold on," said the driver. "I'll be right back."

There's a huge commotion after the driver goes in, with cursing and screaming and the sounds of breaking furniture. The driver comes out with a woman in a headlock.

"That's not my wife!" exclaims the man.

"I know. She's mine. I'm going back in for yours."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Old Jokes   62    63    64    65  66  67    68    69    70   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: / 825,112Mb / 16:35:04 / 200 / No Errors