Friday 23rd August 2019 - 13:26:02 

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I Am Called a Princess

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders
from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."


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Fancy Dress Party

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress Party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days Later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because They emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f***ing toffee apple.


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A Guy Met this Girl in a Bar and Asked...

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies,

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."


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Little Green Frogs

A noted biologist was stumped......
little green frogs in the Okefenokee swamp were dying out, despite all efforts to save them.

Finally he realized the problem was a chemical change in the water.
The frogs were unable to couple long enough.

So he brewed up an adhesive, including one part sodium.

He later explained to the press.......

"They needed monosodium glue to mate!"


Yet another groaner :)


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Quotes: Alfred E Neuman

"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"

"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he'll show you the door!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"

"Thank's to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!"

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"

"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"

"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"

"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"

"How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America?"

"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"

"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"

"Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade!"

"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"

"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"



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Profound

The night before my Grandfather died, my Grandmother smeared grease all over his back…



















…he went down hill very quickly after that!



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Two Chickens Chatting...

Two chickens chat as they are walking along.

"I think I'm going to cross the road"

"I wouldn't.

You'll never hear the ****ing end of it."


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Traveling in New Zealand

There was an elderly couple from Iowa visiting New Zealand on vacation a few years ago. They rented a car and decided to tour the North Island. No sooner had they reached the countryside when Mother, who was the driverand was hard of hearing, was pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding.

The traffic cop did the twirly thing with his fingers to wind down the window, which she did.

The cop said to her, "Madam, you were doing over the legal speed limit."

She said to her husband, "What did he say?"

Her husband shouted, "He said you were speeding."

She said to the cop, "I'm sorry officer," to which the officer replied, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to issue you with a speeding ticket." She said to her husband, "What did he say?" He shouted back, "He said he's going to cite you for speeding."

By this time the cop had become aware of her hearing problem, and as he was writing out the ticket, he asked, "Where are you from?"

She said to her husband, "What did he say?"

and he yelled back, "He wants to know where you're from." She said to the cop, "I'm from the United States of America."

The cop then muttered to himself, "I went there once and had the worst sex I'd ever had in my life."

She said to her husband (You guessed it) "What did he say?" to which he replied in a very loud voice, "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"


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Blonde at Work and Wanted a Few Days off Work


I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My coworker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing"?

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going"?

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark"!


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The Best Cure for Persistent Headaches! !

Joe has been having severe headaches for several years now and his wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure you headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache". "The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

He walked down the street and realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, ‘that’s what I need, a new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit". The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see…, size 44 long". Joe laughed: “That's right, how did you know?” "Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know"? "Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "How about some new underwear"? Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure". The salesman said, “Let's see . . . size 36.” Joe laughed, "Ah ha!! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old".

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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