Wednesday 13th November 2019 - 16:17:27 

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One Night, a Horny Old Geezer...

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the
cheapest prostitute in the nearest Red Light District. A short
while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends
$10 on her.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has
the crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had
been the night before.

He notices the same hooker on the street corner so he marches
over and says, "You gave me the crabs!"

The hooker replies, "What did you expect for $10, lobster?"


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Another Pint of Heavy for Hughie from Glasgow

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in deepest darkest Glasgow sat Hughie, a
huge bear of a man. A man of few words, Hughie was a typical weegie. He
was having a dozen or two pints of heavy, when a short, well dressed, and
obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words
to Hughie. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow
job?"

At this, Hughie leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the holy shit
out of the gay man. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the
boozer, before chucking him bruised and battered into the gutter. He then
returned quietly to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brought over another pint for Hughie and said,
"I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," Hughie replied. "Something about a job."


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My Best Friend

This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another.

The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?"

The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend."

"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"

The man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!"


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Terrible Truths and Other Principles of Disaster

Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.

Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.

Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.

Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.

Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.

Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.

Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.

Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Johnny Carson's Definition: The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.

The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.

Zall's Laws: (1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. (2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.

Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

Knebel's Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Courtesy of http://funnybone.com/bone/quotes.html



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Perhaps One of the Most Interesting and Colorful Words in the English Language Today is the Word...

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck D an Quayle!"


It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"Thats not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
"What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah





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The First Night

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!


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A Man Walks into a Public Toilet...

A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks,
"Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something
like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."


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Little Johnny And The Circus Clown

Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says “Are you the front end of an Ass?”

“No” says Johnny.

“Are you the back end of an Ass”

“No” he replies.

“Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass” says the Clown triumphantly.

Little johnny runs straight home in tears. His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartie... “Watch your Uncle and learn” says Mum.

Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie).

“Are you the front end of an Ass” they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie.

“No”

“Are you the back end of an Ass”

“No” says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie.

“Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass”...

But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash said “...F#ck off you red nosed, big shoed w#$nker!”.






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A Man's Car Broke Down One Night in the Desert...

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your
flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.
"A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."


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A Young Clergyman

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"

He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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