Tuesday 22nd October 2019 - 22:58:37 

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Sms One Liners

- News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

- God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

- The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

- CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

- Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

- Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

- I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

- ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

- Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

- I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

- There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

- What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

- What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

- I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

- A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

- What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

- Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

- What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

- The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

- Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?

- WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

- Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

- Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!

- What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't, you've told her twice already!

- What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

- Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

- Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

- I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

- I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

- How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

- What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

- Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

- Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

- Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

- What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

- What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

- How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

- Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?A: We don't know. Never happens.

- Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

- I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

- Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

- What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

- It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

- I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

- Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

- You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

- My Reality Check bounced.

- Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

- Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

- Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!


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A Day at Golf with Dave and Fred

Dave and Fred decide to go golfing at their favourite course.

On the fifteenth hole, Dave hits his golf ball into the woods and finds it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ends up thrashing every buttercup in the patch.All of a sudden POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a beautiful woman appears.

She says "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? For doing what you did, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. And, you won't have any butter for your toast. In fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF! She disappears.

After Dave recovers from the shock, he yells to his friend Fred. "Hey, Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm in the rough, over here in a patch of pussy willows."

Dave shouts back "Don't swing, Fred! For the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!"


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Moods of the Sexes

Moods of a Woman



An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.



~~~~~~~~~~

Moods of a Man



Horny.




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Real Letter to the Bank

A 98-year-old American woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times... but you could just imagine this being published in the London Times also....

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Social Security check, an arrangement that, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity that your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status that I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that a Notary Public must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number that he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cove r the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: a 98-year-old woman wrote this)

JUST GOTTA LOVE SENIORS!


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Quotes from Some Girls

To the Girls!!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong-


Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies (Unknown) aka Helen Matz


The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy--Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-


My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being – hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-


Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-


If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-


I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.-Roseanne Barr-


Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-


Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-


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You Have to Love Some Drunks

You've Got To Love Drunk People.....

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, Standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.





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Anger Management, I Do Feel Better!!!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and suddenly remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an ######!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '######' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ######!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '######' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ######!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ###### (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW ######, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?"

"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an ######." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.

I called ###### #1.

"Hello."

"You're an ######!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I screamed back.

"Who are you?" he demanded.

"My name is Don Burgemeyer."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ######! It's a yellow house, with my black Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don, And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ######."

Then I called ###### #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, ######," I said...again, without hanging up.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, ######, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!!!




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Triplets

Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets.

"You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the one.

"Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?"


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Quickie

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with an ice lolly and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.

A few moments passed.

"An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later,

"Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike...."

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with an ice lolly too."


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The Battle of Trafalgar - Revisited

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "D@mn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up
on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ... kiss me, Hardy."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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