Saturday 7th December 2019 - 16:09:25 

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Two Sisters Inherit a Ranch

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. It is decided that the brunette will go looking for a bull to purchase while the blonde will stay home to run the ranch.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".

The brunette arrives at a ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home".

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word".

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable".

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable"?

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde and the word is big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.


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Encore

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it,then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"


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A Woman Goes Shopping in Big W

A woman goes into Big W to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.The Big W salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel"?

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes".

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44".

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it"! As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card", he says.As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally passes wind.At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was her that passed wind and so acts as if nothing had happened.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please".

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50"?

Well madam "The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50".


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The Job Application


We’ve been interviewing people for a position we’ve had open for the past couple of weeks. The powers that be usually bring me into the process to see how thick skinned the potential employee is. They don’t want to hire someone, train them and belatedly discover the person has a politically correct stick up his ass. That’s right, ol’ TZ is held up to potential employees in the 'this is the kind of trash you’re going to be working with' light.

So I go into this latest interview and the guy looks like he might have potential. With these types of guys one needs to lay it all out there. "You’re resume is impressive," I lied. "You've had many of the same experiences a cousin on my father’s side of the family has had." Then I looked up at him and added, "He’s a homosexual." Then I slowly asked, "Are yooouuu a homosexual?"

The guy held my gaze and answered, "No. But I’m willing to learn."


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The Primary School Counsellor

A blonde began a job as a primary school counsellor, and she was most eager to help. One day during break time she noticed this boy standing all by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached him and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was.

A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was still in the same spot and still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all by yourself?"

"Because," the little boy said, "I'm the fooking goalie!"


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One for Halloween?

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he
hears:





BUMP...


BUMP...

BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street
toward him.



BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...



Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him


FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.



However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, the terrified man runs.


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find
is a bottle of cough syrup!


Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,




(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)













The coffin stops


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The Poor Wood Cutter Went Chopping Wood by the River One Day.

A poor wood cutter went chopping wood by the river one day. Unfortunately he slips and his axe fell into the river. The poor man start crying and that is when God appears from the river and ask. "Why are u crying?". The poor man explain what happen and continue to say because he is is too poor to get another axe and have got his wife to feed he dont know what to do! So God then reaches into the river and lifted a silver axe and ask, "Is this your axe?" The man answered no. Then God reaches in again and came up with a Golden axe and ask, "Is this your axe?" The man says no. Well God finally lifted the poor man's axe out of the river and was so pleased with his honesty, God gave him all three axe.

Then one day while the poor woodcutter was walking by the river with his wife, his wife slips and fell into the river. So he starts crying and moaning again. Well, God appears again and ask him why he was crying? He told God what happen and then God reaches into the river and pull out J-Lo. "Is this your wife ?", ask God. The man said yes! God was furious and upon seeing God's reaction the man calmed him down and ask for a chance to explain himself. Well God says "I am listening, and this better be good!"

The man started, "Please forgive me my Lord, if I were to say no to J-Lo, you would reach down and came up with Jessica Alba. And if I say no to Jessica Alba, you will reach down and came up with my wife. And if I say yes then , you will gave all three of them to me!". "I am a poor man my Lord and cannot afford to care for three wives!"




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Sms One Liners

- News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

- God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

- The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

- CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

- Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

- Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

- I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

- ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

- Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

- I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

- There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

- What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

- What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

- I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

- A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

- What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

- Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

- What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

- The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

- Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?

- WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

- Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

- Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!

- What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't, you've told her twice already!

- What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

- Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

- Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

- I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

- I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

- How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

- What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

- Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

- Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

- Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

- What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

- What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

- How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

- Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?A: We don't know. Never happens.

- Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

- I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

- Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

- What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

- It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

- I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

- Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

- You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

- My Reality Check bounced.

- Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

- Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

- Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!


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A Day at Golf with Dave and Fred

Dave and Fred decide to go golfing at their favourite course.

On the fifteenth hole, Dave hits his golf ball into the woods and finds it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ends up thrashing every buttercup in the patch.All of a sudden POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a beautiful woman appears.

She says "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? For doing what you did, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. And, you won't have any butter for your toast. In fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF! She disappears.

After Dave recovers from the shock, he yells to his friend Fred. "Hey, Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm in the rough, over here in a patch of pussy willows."

Dave shouts back "Don't swing, Fred! For the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!"


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Moods of the Sexes

Moods of a Woman



An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.



~~~~~~~~~~

Moods of a Man



Horny.




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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