Tuesday 26th May 2020 - 01:53:32 

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Pulled by the Police


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been"?

Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the Paddy.

"Well," says the cop, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right" Paddy says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car"?

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs Paddy. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf".


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Paddy Murphy Walks Ino his Local

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you" asks Sean, the bartender?

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight", says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner", says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand".

"That he did,"says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it".

"Well", says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand"?

"That I did " said Paddy. "Mrs.O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight"!


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Where Are We?

An American man, a Russian man and an African man were all up in a hot air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds.

"Aaah" he said. "We're right over my homeland"!

"How can you tell" asked the American?

"I can feel the cold air" he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland" he said.

"How do you know that" asked the Russian?

"I can feel the heat of the desert".

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York".

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that" they exclaimed?!

The American pulled his hand up, "My watch is missing".


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On Arriving Late at Home

Wife to Norm: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night"?

Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear".

Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m"?!

Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs".


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The Scene at the Accident

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"


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The School Teachers on a Field Trip

A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."


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Two Sisters Inherit a Ranch

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. It is decided that the brunette will go looking for a bull to purchase while the blonde will stay home to run the ranch.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".

The brunette arrives at a ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home".

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word".

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable".

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable"?

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde and the word is big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.


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Encore

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it,then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"


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A Woman Goes Shopping in Big W

A woman goes into Big W to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.The Big W salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel"?

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes".

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44".

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it"! As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card", he says.As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally passes wind.At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was her that passed wind and so acts as if nothing had happened.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please".

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50"?

Well madam "The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50".


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The Job Application


We’ve been interviewing people for a position we’ve had open for the past couple of weeks. The powers that be usually bring me into the process to see how thick skinned the potential employee is. They don’t want to hire someone, train them and belatedly discover the person has a politically correct stick up his ass. That’s right, ol’ TZ is held up to potential employees in the 'this is the kind of trash you’re going to be working with' light.

So I go into this latest interview and the guy looks like he might have potential. With these types of guys one needs to lay it all out there. "You’re resume is impressive," I lied. "You've had many of the same experiences a cousin on my father’s side of the family has had." Then I looked up at him and added, "He’s a homosexual." Then I slowly asked, "Are yooouuu a homosexual?"

The guy held my gaze and answered, "No. But I’m willing to learn."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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The idea is to die young as late as possible

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