Wednesday 20th November 2019 - 09:27:10 

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By Gum! By Gum!


Aboard an El Al flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears"?


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Another Confession

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either"!


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An Irish Widow Confesses

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear"?

She says, Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night".

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests"?

She says, "That he did, Father".

The priest says, "What did he ask Mary"?

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"


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The Bearer of Bad News

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband"?

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.

"Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry".

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim"?

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned".

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly"?

"Well, Brenda...no. In fact, he got out three times to pee".


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Pulled by the Police


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been"?

Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the Paddy.

"Well," says the cop, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right" Paddy says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car"?

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs Paddy. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf".


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Paddy Murphy Walks Ino his Local

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you" asks Sean, the bartender?

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight", says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner", says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand".

"That he did,"says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it".

"Well", says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand"?

"That I did " said Paddy. "Mrs.O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight"!


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Where Are We?

An American man, a Russian man and an African man were all up in a hot air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds.

"Aaah" he said. "We're right over my homeland"!

"How can you tell" asked the American?

"I can feel the cold air" he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland" he said.

"How do you know that" asked the Russian?

"I can feel the heat of the desert".

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York".

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that" they exclaimed?!

The American pulled his hand up, "My watch is missing".


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On Arriving Late at Home

Wife to Norm: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night"?

Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear".

Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m"?!

Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs".


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The Scene at the Accident

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"


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The School Teachers on a Field Trip

A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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