Monday 19th November 2018 - 15:54:46 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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The Newly Weds

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"


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You asked

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"


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Marriage Bliss


Wife: Honey..... What are you looking for?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??

Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.


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By Gum! By Gum!


Aboard an El Al flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears"?


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Another Confession

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either"!


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An Irish Widow Confesses

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear"?

She says, Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night".

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests"?

She says, "That he did, Father".

The priest says, "What did he ask Mary"?

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"


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The Bearer of Bad News

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband"?

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.

"Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry".

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim"?

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned".

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly"?

"Well, Brenda...no. In fact, he got out three times to pee".


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Pulled by the Police


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been"?

Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the Paddy.

"Well," says the cop, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right" Paddy says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car"?

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs Paddy. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf".


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Paddy Murphy Walks Ino his Local

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you" asks Sean, the bartender?

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight", says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner", says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand".

"That he did,"says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it".

"Well", says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand"?

"That I did " said Paddy. "Mrs.O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight"!


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Where Are We?

An American man, a Russian man and an African man were all up in a hot air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds.

"Aaah" he said. "We're right over my homeland"!

"How can you tell" asked the American?

"I can feel the cold air" he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland" he said.

"How do you know that" asked the Russian?

"I can feel the heat of the desert".

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York".

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that" they exclaimed?!

The American pulled his hand up, "My watch is missing".


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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