Tuesday 3rd November 2020 - 23:43:55 

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How Many Slices of Toast for Breakfast

Two couples are having their wedding reception in the same hotel, and the two grooms are having a few beers together at the bar.

"I bet I make love to my wife tonight more times than you make love to yours" says the one .

"Never. I'll bet $50 my wife wakes up more satisfied than yours" says the second.

"Right, you're on. But how will we tell which one of us has won?" says the first.

"Easy. When we come down for breakfast tomorrow, just order the same number of slices of toast as number of times you made love." says the second.

The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both grooms are smiling as the waiter comes to take the order. The first chap leans over - "I'll have a full English breakfast, and SIX slices of toast" he smiles, winking at the second chap.

The second chap leans over, and says in a loud voice - "I'll also have a full English breakfast and SEVEN slices of toast -- and make 2 of them brown!"

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Raped by a Cricketer

A distraught Australian woman rushed into the local police station claiming she had been raped.

The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details.

She told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that he was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he had on a helmet, wire face mask and heavy protective gloves.

"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer," observed the policeman.

"Oh, yes, yes he was," replied the woman, "and what's more, I can tell you this, he was an Englishman".

"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent ," said the Sergeant.

"No, because he didn't stay in very long."

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Three Vampires in a Bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks.

The first vampire asks for blood.

The second vampire asks for blood.

The third vampire asks for some hot water.

The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else"?

"Because", says the third vampire, pulling out a USED tampon, "I'm making tea".

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A Bit of Physics Humour

Sir Ernest Rutherford, President of the Royal Academy, and recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physics, related the following story:

"Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.

I read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer."

The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building,attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."

The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics.

At the end of five minutes, he hadn't written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his answer, which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch.

Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building."

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

"Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

"Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and his will give you the height of the building in barometer units."

"A very direct method."

"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g [gravity] at the street level and at the top of the building.

From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."

"On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".

"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem."

"Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer."

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

The name of the student was Neils Bohr.

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Where can I Buy Some?

Have you heard about the new morning after pill for men?

You take it the next morning and it changes your blood type.

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Chance Meeting at the Supermarket

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ...I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

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I Bet You Can't...

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The husband thought for a few moments,then said "your pussy is tighter than your sister's"

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The Flight Stewardess

The one I've always liked was about the (alleged to be true, but who knows?) unintentional cabin announcement after a particularly rough landing.

Upon getting safely (albeit roughly) on the ground and making the obligatory "Welcome to wherever ..." announcement to the cabin the pilot forgot to release his mic switch (or it stuck) and turned to the first officer to exclaim: "Gawd Almighty, that was a rough one. Right now all I want is a beer and blow-job".

One of the stewardesses in the cabin, in a panic to alert the pilot that his mic' is on, dashes toward the cabin door.

At which point a helpful passenger calls out "Don't forget the beer"!

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The Married Couple and the Wife Was Fishing for Compliments

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body"?

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor".

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Qucik Answer

Girl to her boyfriend: Just one kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the early warning.

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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