Saturday 25th May 2019 - 13:58:35 

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Thoughts on Exercise

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.


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Organic

Harry Henpecked had been ordered by his wife to buy only organic vegetables from the market garden.

"These vegetables are for my wife," he said. "Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"No," said the gardener, "you'll have to do that yourself."


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Taking a Female to Bed

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???


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Creation Explained Like Never Before


In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and
red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "As long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Sata! n peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then asked, "Do you want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs


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Swim or Screw

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sat at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat.

"So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!!

Dave, I CAN'T SWIM!!!"


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The Other Mills

Lowell, Massachusetts, is an old New England Mill town. Many of the Mills have been declared National Historical Sites and are included in a Federal Park.

The problem was what to do with the other mills, and how to attract more tourists to the area.

One bright young marketer pointed out that Germans like to travel with their dogs, and this was difficult in the U.S. "Why not make the mills into canine hotels?" he suggested.

The plan was adopted on a trial basis, but not without some skepticism.

Several months later, the skeptics approached the young man to ask how the experiment was going.

"Just listen!" he said, ... "The Mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"


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Partners

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."


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Crabs


A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.

So she took them home and ate them herself.


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How Many Slices of Toast for Breakfast

Two couples are having their wedding reception in the same hotel, and the two grooms are having a few beers together at the bar.

"I bet I make love to my wife tonight more times than you make love to yours" says the one .

"Never. I'll bet $50 my wife wakes up more satisfied than yours" says the second.

"Right, you're on. But how will we tell which one of us has won?" says the first.

"Easy. When we come down for breakfast tomorrow, just order the same number of slices of toast as number of times you made love." says the second.

The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both grooms are smiling as the waiter comes to take the order. The first chap leans over - "I'll have a full English breakfast, and SIX slices of toast" he smiles, winking at the second chap.

The second chap leans over, and says in a loud voice - "I'll also have a full English breakfast and SEVEN slices of toast -- and make 2 of them brown!"


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Raped by a Cricketer

A distraught Australian woman rushed into the local police station claiming she had been raped.

The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details.

She told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that he was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he had on a helmet, wire face mask and heavy protective gloves.

"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer," observed the policeman.

"Oh, yes, yes he was," replied the woman, "and what's more, I can tell you this, he was an Englishman".

"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent ," said the Sergeant.

"No, because he didn't stay in very long."


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This can save your bacon

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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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