Sunday 18th August 2019 - 06:35:21 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Going to Jail

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."


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Prepositions

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly says, "So, where y'all from?"

The Wisconsin girl says, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Oklahoma sits quietly for a few moments and then replies, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"


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Pencil

A first grade teacher was trying to stimulate creative thinking in her pupils. She stood in front of the class with her hands behind her back and said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's round and it fits in the palm of my hand. Who can guess what it is?"

Billy's hand went up and he asked, "Is it a baseball?"

"No, Billy," replied the teacher, "It's not a baseball. But you're thinking, and I like that."

Suzy's hand went up and she asked, "Is it an orange?"

"No, Suzy," replied the teacher, "It's not an orange. But you're thinking, and I like that."

Then Johnny spoke up: "Hey, teach, I don't know what you got in your hand, but I got something for you in my pocket. It's long and hard and pink on one end."

Shocked, the teacher cried, "Johnny, that's disgusting! You march yourself to the principals office right this instant!"

"Hey, relax," said Johnny. "I was talking about my pencil... But you're thinking, and I like that."


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The American Couple in Paris

An American couple is in Paris on a long-awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there since they had looked forward to their visit to France for so many years.

All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store that is open late.

First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, on pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"

The policeman is a bit surprised since the American has asked where he can buy a black condom, but, after thinking a bit, he gives our friend directions.

The store - if that is what it is - looks a little seedy and rundown, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes the American and says, "M'sieru, je veux acheter un capeau noir?"

"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noire." After explaining that he has red, white, and brown condoms, but no black condoms, the man asks the American why he wants a black condom, "Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un capeau noir?"

"Ma femme est morte."

After the American says that his wife is dead, the man exclaims, "O Monsieru! Quelle beau sentiment!-What a beautiful sentiment!"


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Discrimination Against Batchelors

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous... or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."


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The Really Mad Mum

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice, I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed.

"I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."


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Financial Difficulties

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."


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Sid the Inventor

Sid the inventor is struggling through Birmingham New Street railway station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Sid sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to four," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Sid brightens a little.

"Yeah, it's not bad. I've been working on it for a while. Have a look at this..." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 200 largest cities.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is ten fourdy seven AM," in a New York accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Sid continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Sid. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of central Birmingham appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by GPS," explains Sid. "View recede ten," he adds, and the display changes to show the entire West Midlands.

"I want to buy this watch!" gasps the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says Sid. "But look at this!" and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little digital radio receiver, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 metres, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, an audio player capable of storing voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I've only got 32 of my favourites in there so far," says Sid.

"I've got to have this watch!" insists the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready-"

"I'll give you £1,000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than-"

"I'll give you £3,000 for it!"

"But it's just not-"

"I'll give you £5,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a large wad of fifty-pound notes.

Sid stops to think. He's only put about £3,500 into materials and development, and with £5,000 he can make another one and have it ready for marketing in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes counting out the money and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. £5,000. Take it or leave it."

Sid abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute!" calls Sid after the stranger, who turns around warily. Sid points to the two suitcases he's been trying to drag through the station. "Don't forget your batteries."


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A Little Boy's Prayers

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

About a month or so later, the father again heard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the Father a heart attack.

The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day.

Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized.

"I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."

"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The milkman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"


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A Retired Italian Wine Make Confession

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic".

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father", he continued, "she quickly started to repay me with sexual favours."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven".

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question"?

"What, my son"?

"Should I tell her the war is over"?


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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