Wednesday 19th February 2020 - 20:31:32 

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The Ship's Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a small cruise ship. He does the same act week in and out, with a new audience every week.

However, the Captain's parrot watches the show every time. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!"

Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but what can he do? The parrot belongs to the Captain, after all.

One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank.

They just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak.

On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"


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Gassing Up

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.

He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair
of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2
slices crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!


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The Lonely Frog

A lonely frog calls a psychic hotline and asks what his future holds.

His personal psychic adviser tells him, "You are going to meet a young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is excited about the news. "That's great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic. "In biology class."


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Going to Jail

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."


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Prepositions

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly says, "So, where y'all from?"

The Wisconsin girl says, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Oklahoma sits quietly for a few moments and then replies, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"


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Pencil

A first grade teacher was trying to stimulate creative thinking in her pupils. She stood in front of the class with her hands behind her back and said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's round and it fits in the palm of my hand. Who can guess what it is?"

Billy's hand went up and he asked, "Is it a baseball?"

"No, Billy," replied the teacher, "It's not a baseball. But you're thinking, and I like that."

Suzy's hand went up and she asked, "Is it an orange?"

"No, Suzy," replied the teacher, "It's not an orange. But you're thinking, and I like that."

Then Johnny spoke up: "Hey, teach, I don't know what you got in your hand, but I got something for you in my pocket. It's long and hard and pink on one end."

Shocked, the teacher cried, "Johnny, that's disgusting! You march yourself to the principals office right this instant!"

"Hey, relax," said Johnny. "I was talking about my pencil... But you're thinking, and I like that."


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The American Couple in Paris

An American couple is in Paris on a long-awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there since they had looked forward to their visit to France for so many years.

All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store that is open late.

First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, on pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"

The policeman is a bit surprised since the American has asked where he can buy a black condom, but, after thinking a bit, he gives our friend directions.

The store - if that is what it is - looks a little seedy and rundown, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes the American and says, "M'sieru, je veux acheter un capeau noir?"

"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noire." After explaining that he has red, white, and brown condoms, but no black condoms, the man asks the American why he wants a black condom, "Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un capeau noir?"

"Ma femme est morte."

After the American says that his wife is dead, the man exclaims, "O Monsieru! Quelle beau sentiment!-What a beautiful sentiment!"


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Discrimination Against Batchelors

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous... or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."


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The Really Mad Mum

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice, I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed.

"I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."


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Financial Difficulties

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."


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The idea is to die young as late as possible

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