Saturday 31st October 2020 - 04:14:32 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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A Pom at Australian Customs

A Pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:

C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.

C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.

C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM - I didn't think we still needed to!

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Captain's Announcement

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"


Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

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Message Very Important Notice To All Employees

Company Policy: Effective from January 2009

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


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Different Thermometers

Q: What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A: The taste!!!

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20 Shots of Scotch

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch"!

So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast"!

"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have"?

"50 cents

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Whoops from the Police Officer Who Caught the Man Speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer", the man began, "I can explain"...

"Quiet" snapped the officer! "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back".

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail"!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding so he'll be in a good mood when he gets back".

"Don't count on it", answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom".

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Best and Last

The groom comes into the church to take his place by the altar and his best man notices that he has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, i know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited"?

The groom replies, "I just had the BEST blow job I've ever had in my entire life and now I'm marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me".

Then the bride comes walking down the aisle and she also has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

Her maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey girlfriend, I know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited"?

The bride replies, "I have just given the LAST blow job of my entire life".

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Funny Story, Possibly True?

Valdosta, GA (LP).

Two policemen in a cruising patrol car were surprised at 2:30 early yesterday morning to see a homeowner with a sawed-off shotgun holding a pizza delivery man at bay on the former's front porch in a local up-scale neighborhood.

"Thank goodness you've come," chorused both the homeowner and the pizza man in unison. Just minutes before the police made their serendipitous arrival, the homeowner, a retired university professor, had been yelling into the house for his wife to set the dog loose, to call 911, and to bring a mop. The pizza man had soiled himself on the professor's front porch after coming face to face with the foreshortened shotgun.

Police quickly took charge of the scene and determined the facts. The incident began in mid-afternoon the previous day when the pizza delivery man, a mentally challenged resident of the group home on Shaker Road, had missed his ride on the short bus at the end of his "school day" at the neighborhood training site. Walking home, as he often had to do, he stopped in at a local pizza parlor and applied for a job, rather than admit to the counterman that he had no money to buy a pizza.

"hel_l, he looked as bright as any of my other delivery boys," said Junior Junior, the pizza parlor's manager. "He said he could drive a car, so I lent him mine. That's how he got hired. I had no idea that he was going to pick a wrong house number and ring the doorbell of a completely dark house at 2:30 in the morning! My store is definitely not responsible for this. No way!"

Police confiscated the shotgun from the professor and called for an ambulance to transport the delivery man to the local Medical Center for treatment of an apparently serious dog bite in the groin area. All the while protesting "Anybody would have done the same thing to have his peace disturbed in the middle of the night by some blithering idiot," the professor was handcuffed, taken to jail, and charged with felonious assault with a deadly weapon, dog baiting, and $17.85 for the pizza which he didn't order.

"All's well that ends well," said the professor's wife, waving to her husband as the squad car turned the corner.

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Getting A Round Of Golf, What to Tell the Missus

First guy: "you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend

Second guy: "that is nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend what's the deal

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, golf course or intercourse?"

And she said, "Wear a sweater."

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Famous Composers and Movie Stars

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present at the initial casting sessions and Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these action superstars. So much so that he was prepared to allow them to select whichever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve ten-fold if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid," he said, "I'm very pleased with these choices" Then looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "So who do you want to be Arnold?"

And Arnold says ...

"I'll be Bach"

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Old Jokes   4    5    6    7  8  9    10    11    12   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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