Friday 15th November 2019 - 09:08:03 

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Niagraa Falls Tour Guide

A group of tourists visit the Niagara Falls and are accompanied by a guide.

The guide says "I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high that the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard!"

"Now, may I request that the ladies in the back keep quiet so that we can hear the falls!"


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One, Two, Three

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform for his wife. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few medications, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist confesses he can not figure out what is wrong. The psychiatrist decides to refer him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this!" He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish."

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a full year."

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, as he is lying in bed with his wife he says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.

With that, his wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"


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The Profitable Latex Factory

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.

"Very true, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"


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Angry Motorist

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."


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The Bird

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.

Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears.

He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.



.


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Universal Laws



Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.

First law:

A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until on unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy.

Second Law:

The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance.

Third Law:

The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.


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How to Spell Putt

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied.

"P-u-t means to place a thing where you want it. P-u-t-t means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."


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Poker Night

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "Why there are three doctors there already!"


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Doberman Dies

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."


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A Woman Walks into a Bar


A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition'.

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words'.

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...

'Paint my house'.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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