Friday 15th November 2019 - 09:26:16 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Magic Wand

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mom. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.

Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"


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Playing

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious she said "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home,"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"


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Right and Wrong

When I was in high school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I where discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks.

We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting.

Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong."

I replied, "Agreed! You teach her what's right."


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Two Young Lovers on a Romantic Winter Vacation

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"


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Politician Telling the Truth

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.

When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"


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You Are Addicted to your Computer when

Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:-

10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.

9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your husband or wife.

8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.

7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.

6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.

5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).

4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.

3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.

2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 95 is outdated.

1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!


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Crazy Wife?

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."


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Eight Iron

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "This shot in impossible an eight iron!"


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Ladies Man

"Boy, I'm scared," Anthony said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."

"Easy for you to say."

"You like her that much?" the friend asks.

"It's not that," declared Anthony. "He didn't sign his name!"


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When to Tip the Waiter

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"

The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes," the gambler concedes.

"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."

"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an 8."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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