Monday 19th November 2018 - 16:38:45 

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Hospital Patient

A sweet grandmother telephoned Wigan Infirmary.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing"?

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number"?

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Janice Flynn, Room 302".

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Janice is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday".

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news".

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Janice your daughter"?

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Janice Flynn from Room 302 No one tells me f**k all...


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Sadist, Masochist, Murderer...

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."


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A Boob Poem


For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.


So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.


After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."


"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."


She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!


My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.


Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!


"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.


"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.


It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.


Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.


If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"


This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out


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Magic Wand

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mom. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.

Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"


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Playing

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious she said "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home,"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"


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Right and Wrong

When I was in high school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I where discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks.

We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting.

Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong."

I replied, "Agreed! You teach her what's right."


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Two Young Lovers on a Romantic Winter Vacation

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"


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Politician Telling the Truth

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.

When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"


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You Are Addicted to your Computer when

Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:-

10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.

9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your husband or wife.

8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.

7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.

6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.

5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).

4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.

3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.

2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 95 is outdated.

1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!


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Crazy Wife?

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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