Thursday 5th November 2020 - 08:34:52 

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Ther Retired Gynecologist Switches Careers and Becomes Acar Mechanic


A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers.

He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.

The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be" he asked?

"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe".


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Good News and Bad News from the Airline Pilot About a Hijacker


Airline pilot to passengers: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and bad news.

The bad news is that we have a hijacker on board.

The good news is, he wants to go to the French Riviera".


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Might As Well

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks.


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Searching For a Missing Cia Agent in Ireland

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning'. If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes and for mist at noon as well'".

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy".

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too".

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning".

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. You can't miss him. He lives right down the street, third on the left".


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Hospital Patient

A sweet grandmother telephoned Wigan Infirmary.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing"?

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number"?

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Janice Flynn, Room 302".

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Janice is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday".

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news".

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Janice your daughter"?

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Janice Flynn from Room 302 No one tells me f**k all...


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Sadist, Masochist, Murderer...

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."


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A Boob Poem


For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.


So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.


After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."


"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."


She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!


My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.


Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!


"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.


"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.


It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.


Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.


If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"


This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out


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Magic Wand

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mom. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.

Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"


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Playing

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious she said "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home,"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"


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Right and Wrong

When I was in high school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I where discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks.

We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting.

Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong."

I replied, "Agreed! You teach her what's right."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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