Saturday 23rd November 2019 - 03:48:06 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


The Lottery Winner

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.

Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover
the plug at the far end.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Smart Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hel_l are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Bridegroom

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Pom at Australian Customs

A Pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:

C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.

C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.

C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM - I didn't think we still needed to!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Captain's Announcement


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Message Very Important Notice To All Employees

Company Policy: Effective from January 2009



Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

NOW STOP WASTING YOUR TIME READING THIS AND GET BACK TO WORK!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Different Thermometers

Q: What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A: The taste!!!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


20 Shots of Scotch

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch"!

So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast"!

"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have"?

"50 cents


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Whoops from the Police Officer Who Caught the Man Speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer", the man began, "I can explain"...

"Quiet" snapped the officer! "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back".

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail"!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding so he'll be in a good mood when he gets back".

"Don't count on it", answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Best and Last

The groom comes into the church to take his place by the altar and his best man notices that he has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, i know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited"?

The groom replies, "I just had the BEST blow job I've ever had in my entire life and now I'm marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me".

Then the bride comes walking down the aisle and she also has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

Her maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey girlfriend, I know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited"?

The bride replies, "I have just given the LAST blow job of my entire life".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   4    5    6    7  8  9    10    11    12   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.93.75.242 / 828,872Mb / 03:48:06 / 200 / No Errors