Tuesday 14th August 2018 - 17:19:18 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Doctor’s Second Opinion


While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."


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Heart Murmur


An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No", replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No"

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life"

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half... the LOOKING or the THINKING?"


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Adam and Eve


God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"!

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."!

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

*
*
YOUR GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a headache?


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The Husband Store and The Wives Store Across The Road


A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.


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Squashed Frog


A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up To the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked What he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I
want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay For it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only Girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum Will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"!!!!!!!


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David Beckam Horse Riding


David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watching her husband.


After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.


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Call to Prayer

I recently returned from a trip to the Middle East.

It was an experience I will long remember. I had expected to find nomads living in the middle ages. Instead I found the area to be firmly in the twentieth century. I remember most the faithful Muslims being called to come to prayer.

They now use microphones. They have become ... Mecca-nized.




The Lecture
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying...

"Many hands make light work."




The Friend
I remember my cousin‘s friend, Julia We called her "Ju". Ju had an annoying friend who kept on referring to himself as her cousin, and when he was invited to parties he would make a fool of himself. On two occaisons had to be kicked out of the party. So the really cool thing about her was not only was she a good listener, but...

she was the only Ju in history to have their false kin removed twice.




The Indian Chief
Iroquios Chief Smallfellow died in battle. During the night, one of "Shorty's" wives snuck his body out of the camp and had a very private burial under a Joshua tree out on the prairie. She then made her son a dinner of Chinese noodles. He ate them on top of a carved tree depicting the history of his father. It was said that this was the first time anyone ever heard of...

Lo Mein on a totem pole.




The Mafia
A Mafia underboss was sending one of his men out to run an errand for the Godfather. He was to make a pickup at Al Weiss the tailor's establishment. To make sure the hood understood, he was asked to repeat the instructions. "OK, boss, its...

Al Weiss, dark vest, be for the Don"!


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Fortunate


One criminal who was accused of several murders and robbery was sentenced to death by the judge of the court. It was decided that the criminal will be shot in front of a firing squad on a particular day.

On that very day, the weather was very foul. It rained cats and dogs.

There was no sufficient light to see anything clearly. But duty is duty so the captain of the squad along with his five soldiers took the criminal and started walking to the spot.

On the way the criminal told the Captain, "See,what a weather! I am not afraid of death, but this day is not suitable for dying. What do you think?"

"Truly, the weather is very foul", the Captain replied, "But you are fortunate as you are only going, just think of our condition, we have to go back!".


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King Frederick Ii Visit To A Jail

Consider the case of Frederick II, an 18th-century king of Prussia. Frederick fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and
in some respects he was. On one occasion, he is supposed to have interested himself in the conditions of a Berlin prison. He was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners.

One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.

Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused.

"You," he called. "You, there!"

The prisoner looked up. "Yes, your majesty?"

"Why are you here?"

"Armed robbery, your majesty."

"And are you guilty?"

"Entirely guilty, your majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it."




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The Shy Welsh Village Lad

A shy Welsh village man, Elwyn, noticed that a beautiful girl had moved in next door. But Elwyn was shy so every time he saw her in the garden or in the street he couldn't think of what to say, so he would say 'good morning miss' or 'good afternoon miss' and hurry off about his business.

He talked to his friend in the bar. "Jones", he said, "a beautiful girl lives next door to me, but I don't know how to chat girls up, I've never done it before".

Jones said, "All you have to do is say to her 'good morning miss. I's a beautiful day isn't it? What beautiful flowers in your garden. That will get the conversation going".

Elwyn practiced this in front of a mirror for a few days. Then one night at the local pub he saw her. Elwyn stood near the bar trying to pluck up the courage to go and talk to her. He was nearly ready when the girl got up and went to the washroom.

This is it, thought Elwyn, its now or never. So he stood outside the washroom and waited. She was ever such a long time that poor Elwyn was starting to lose his nerve. He was just about to walk away when the girl came out. There she was, right in front of him looking beautiful.

Elwyn said, "Erm, erm g-good evening, miss".

She said, "Good evening".

He continued, "It's a b-beautiful day isn't it"?

"Yes", she said, "it is a splendid day".

Encouraged he went on. "I'm your neighbor, and I must tell you you have a lovely garden".

She smiled, "Thank you. I think so, too".

Stuck for something else to talk about, Elwyn stammered, "Erm, erm, err, ah, you've just had a shit, have you"?



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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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