Saturday 4th July 2020 - 03:24:33 

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Two Nuns Visit the Zoo


Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.

The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, leapt to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then he
went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.

The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said,"We shall never talk about this, agreed"? The other young nun consented.

Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend", I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question".

The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question"!

The other nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt"?

"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called..., he never phoned..., he never sent flowers..."!


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Little Johnny is Very Scared


One day, Gramma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Little Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Little Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"


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Not Right


Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.

"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."


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Time to Start Swearing


A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh *t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice," And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Coco Pops"


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Leroy from Port Antonio


Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shellsuit.

Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See mi new trainaz dem? Cool, eeh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Leroy aware that he had a lace undone?

Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace, and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"Seet deer! Hit seh.....





Scroll down






"TAIWAN"


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West Yorkshire Police Statement:


A man has been found dead in a river this morning wearing a Leeds shirt, fish net stockings, suspenders and a black crotches thong. The man was also said to have an orange inserted in his anus.

Police have removed the Leeds shirt to save his family any embarrassment.


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My Dear Husband


I am sending you this letter via this internet communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday.
What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,

Your Wife


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Literally

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to breed them, so he hired his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends. "Hey, Dad?" said the boy. "The bull just fucked the brown cow."

The room went silent. The father excused himself and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You could say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."

After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Dad?"

"Let me guess," said the father, "the bull surprised the white cow?"

"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again."


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Quality

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to f*** off.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills .........


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Sentenced for Stealing


A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case
comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other
youths from a life of crime.

Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"

Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor."

Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately."

Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!"

Judge: "Consider yourself lucky... It could have been life boy."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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