Wednesday 20th February 2019 - 06:11:47 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Overheard in the Barbers Shop


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everything was-a perfect except for da train a ride down."

What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautiful Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with Vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a "forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.

"The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use a dining car.'

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to open da bottle of Vino!

"Conductor walk by me again, wag his a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car'. So we go to club'a car.

"While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger agin and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to da smoker car.' So we go to da smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

"Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to da sleeper car and a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through da car corridor shouting at top of his voice, 'NO'FOLK'A, VIRGINIA! NO'FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"





Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Medical Examination of the Young Newly Wed

While trying to track down the cause of a recurrent vaginitis in a young newly wed woman, the doctor asked whether her partner was circumcised.

The query drew only a blank look. So the doctor rephrased the question in what he felt was a clever and tactful manner: "When he doesn't have an erection, can you see the head of his penis, or is it covered by folds of skin"?

Her unabashed and matter-of-fact response: "I've never seen him without an erection".



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Now You Know How I Feel


A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV.

The husband sighs and says: "I'm disappointed-it was all over in 30 seconds".

The wife replies:"Good! now you know how I feel".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Where Do Pets Come From? from the Book of Genesis


A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Two Nuns Visit the Zoo


Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.

The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, leapt to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then he
went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.

The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said,"We shall never talk about this, agreed"? The other young nun consented.

Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend", I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question".

The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question"!

The other nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt"?

"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called..., he never phoned..., he never sent flowers..."!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Little Johnny is Very Scared


One day, Gramma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Little Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Little Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Not Right


Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.

"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Time to Start Swearing


A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh *t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice," And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Coco Pops"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Leroy from Port Antonio


Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shellsuit.

Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See mi new trainaz dem? Cool, eeh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Leroy aware that he had a lace undone?

Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace, and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"Seet deer! Hit seh.....





Scroll down






"TAIWAN"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


West Yorkshire Police Statement:


A man has been found dead in a river this morning wearing a Leeds shirt, fish net stockings, suspenders and a black crotches thong. The man was also said to have an orange inserted in his anus.

Police have removed the Leeds shirt to save his family any embarrassment.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   75    76    77    78  79  80    81    82    83   Latest


This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 54.173.237.152 / 827,168Mb / 06:11:47 / 200 / No Errors