Tuesday 12th November 2019 - 20:00:55 

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How to Feel Really Good


1. Create a new file.

2. Name it "George Bush"?

3. Send it to the recycle bin.

4. Empty the recycle bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "George Bush"?

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.


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Doggie Style


A couple was having trouble conceiving a child. They went to the doctor and he told them that the problem was one of insufficient penetration.

He told the man to do it doggie fashion.

The man said, "What is that"?

The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs, and do like they do".

The man said, "My wife is very shy, and she won't do that".

The doctor replied, "Give her a cocktail or two, and she will lose her inhibitions".

A year later while walking in the Mall, the doctor met the man pushing a baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor said.

"Yes it did Doc, but the problem is... my wife is now an alcoholic"!

"How did that happen"? the doctor asked.

"Well, every time we got ready to do it, it'd take seven or eight drinks just to get her out to the front yard".


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Spaghetti


A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the
nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead
medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without."


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Good News and Bad News for Fathers' of Newly Born Baby Sons


Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."

The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.

"What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "He is obviously my son."

"I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't accidentally want to get the Canadian kid."


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Little Johnny and his Grandma


Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery. Did you know God painted this just for you"?

Little Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed".

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand"?

"Well," said Little Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand"!


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Waiting For The Bus


A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.

"Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?"

The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off.

Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"


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Overheard in the Barbers Shop


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everything was-a perfect except for da train a ride down."

What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautiful Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with Vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a "forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.

"The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use a dining car.'

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to open da bottle of Vino!

"Conductor walk by me again, wag his a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car'. So we go to club'a car.

"While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger agin and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to da smoker car.' So we go to da smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

"Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to da sleeper car and a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through da car corridor shouting at top of his voice, 'NO'FOLK'A, VIRGINIA! NO'FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"





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Medical Examination of the Young Newly Wed

While trying to track down the cause of a recurrent vaginitis in a young newly wed woman, the doctor asked whether her partner was circumcised.

The query drew only a blank look. So the doctor rephrased the question in what he felt was a clever and tactful manner: "When he doesn't have an erection, can you see the head of his penis, or is it covered by folds of skin"?

Her unabashed and matter-of-fact response: "I've never seen him without an erection".



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Now You Know How I Feel


A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV.

The husband sighs and says: "I'm disappointed-it was all over in 30 seconds".

The wife replies:"Good! now you know how I feel".


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Where Do Pets Come From? from the Book of Genesis


A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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