Monday 19th August 2019 - 23:35:46 

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Female Logic


As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good; why can't you be good for nothing like your father?"


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Of Course It Will


A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."


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No Bonking!

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.

The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.

"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no bonking!"

They look at each other and yell back: "We're not bonking!"

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no bonking!"

Again they yell back, "We're not bonking!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no bonking!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not bonking!!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already bonking their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're bonking.


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How to Feel Really Good


1. Create a new file.

2. Name it "George Bush"?

3. Send it to the recycle bin.

4. Empty the recycle bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "George Bush"?

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.


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Doggie Style


A couple was having trouble conceiving a child. They went to the doctor and he told them that the problem was one of insufficient penetration.

He told the man to do it doggie fashion.

The man said, "What is that"?

The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs, and do like they do".

The man said, "My wife is very shy, and she won't do that".

The doctor replied, "Give her a cocktail or two, and she will lose her inhibitions".

A year later while walking in the Mall, the doctor met the man pushing a baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor said.

"Yes it did Doc, but the problem is... my wife is now an alcoholic"!

"How did that happen"? the doctor asked.

"Well, every time we got ready to do it, it'd take seven or eight drinks just to get her out to the front yard".


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Spaghetti


A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the
nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead
medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without."


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Good News and Bad News for Fathers' of Newly Born Baby Sons


Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."

The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.

"What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "He is obviously my son."

"I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't accidentally want to get the Canadian kid."


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Little Johnny and his Grandma


Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery. Did you know God painted this just for you"?

Little Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed".

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand"?

"Well," said Little Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand"!


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Waiting For The Bus


A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.

"Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?"

The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off.

Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"


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Overheard in the Barbers Shop


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everything was-a perfect except for da train a ride down."

What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautiful Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with Vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a "forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.

"The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use a dining car.'

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to open da bottle of Vino!

"Conductor walk by me again, wag his a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car'. So we go to club'a car.

"While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger agin and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to da smoker car.' So we go to da smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

"Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to da sleeper car and a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through da car corridor shouting at top of his voice, 'NO'FOLK'A, VIRGINIA! NO'FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"





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