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Breakfast Joke

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet", said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother wit! h a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"




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Two Lawyers Stranded on a Desert Island

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow!! I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked brunette woman floating face up headed toward the island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking the other guy had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked brunette woman, unconscious.

They went over to her and discovered she was alive.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know, screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"



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A Man is Driving Down the Road and Breaks Down Near a Monastery.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car
broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens
that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to
his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns
trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a
seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the
man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making
that beautiful sound is is to become a monk, then please, make
me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how
many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains
of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a
monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. "I have traveled the
earth and have found what you have asked for: By design, the
world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what
you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he
is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self
deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk
says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the
wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the
key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made
of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald,
gold and diamond.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the
door! He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door
he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and
seductive sound... But I can't tell you what it is because
you're not a monk.


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The Lottery Winner

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.

Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover
the plug at the far end.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"


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Smart Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hel_l are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"



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The Bridegroom

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."


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A Pom at Australian Customs

A Pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:

C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.

C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.

C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM - I didn't think we still needed to!


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Captain's Announcement


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


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Message Very Important Notice To All Employees

Company Policy: Effective from January 2009



Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

NOW STOP WASTING YOUR TIME READING THIS AND GET BACK TO WORK!


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Different Thermometers

Q: What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A: The taste!!!


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This can save your bacon
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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