Tuesday 30th June 2020 - 00:51:58 

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How to Turn a Woman on

A guy walks a woman to the door after there first date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a biker's black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest biker's bar. The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.

When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.

He asks her "Well, was I rough?" "Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"And was I Tough?" he asks.

"Oh yes," she moans.

"Well then, it's time to be selfish".

So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a hand-job.

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An 80 Year Old Man

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"

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Female Logic

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good; why can't you be good for nothing like your father?"

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Of Course It Will

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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No Bonking!

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.

The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.

"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no bonking!"

They look at each other and yell back: "We're not bonking!"

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no bonking!"

Again they yell back, "We're not bonking!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no bonking!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not bonking!!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already bonking their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're bonking.

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How to Feel Really Good

1. Create a new file.

2. Name it "George Bush"?

3. Send it to the recycle bin.

4. Empty the recycle bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "George Bush"?

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

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Doggie Style

A couple was having trouble conceiving a child. They went to the doctor and he told them that the problem was one of insufficient penetration.

He told the man to do it doggie fashion.

The man said, "What is that"?

The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs, and do like they do".

The man said, "My wife is very shy, and she won't do that".

The doctor replied, "Give her a cocktail or two, and she will lose her inhibitions".

A year later while walking in the Mall, the doctor met the man pushing a baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor said.

"Yes it did Doc, but the problem is... my wife is now an alcoholic"!

"How did that happen"? the doctor asked.

"Well, every time we got ready to do it, it'd take seven or eight drinks just to get her out to the front yard".

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the
nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead
medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without."

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Good News and Bad News for Fathers' of Newly Born Baby Sons

Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."

The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.

"What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "He is obviously my son."

"I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't accidentally want to get the Canadian kid."

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Little Johnny and his Grandma

Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery. Did you know God painted this just for you"?

Little Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed".

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand"?

"Well," said Little Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand"!

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Old Jokes   77    78    79    80  81  82    83    84    85   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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