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I'm Not Happy


While driving to work this morning and not really paying attention; I rear-ended a car at a traffic light.

When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf!

He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...'.

So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'


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The Best Bible Salesman


A guy with a severe stutter applied for a job selling Bibles. The interviewer believed he'd never make it as a salesman, and was
about to tell the guy to look elsewhere for work.

The stutterer begged for the job, "P-p-p-p-p-le-ease g-gg-g-ive m-m-m-mee a ch-ch-cha-a-ance. I-i-ic-c-can d-d-d-o i-i-tt."

"Well," the manager said, "OK," he'd give him a few Bibles and the rest of the day to see if he could sell one or two. By lunchtime, the stutterer was back, having sold all the Bibles. The manager was impressed and asked if he could accompany the stutterer after lunch.

"S-s-sure," said the guy, and later they went out to the streets.

They approached a house, and the stutterer went up and knocked on the door. When the homeowner answered, he said, "G-g-g-g-good
a-a-a-ftern-n-n-noon, M-m-ma'am. I-i-i'm s-s-s-selling B-b-b-bibles. W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like to b-b-b-buy a B-b-b-b-bbible, or sh-sh-sh-ould I j-j-j-j-ust r-r-read it t-t-t-to you?"


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Sleeping Late


The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times", gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it"?

It was easy". Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you".

"I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening".

So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.

"What's up, Boss"? he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you"?

"I don't care about you showing up twenty minutes today", growled the boss, "but where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday"?


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Five Surgeons Are Discussing Who Has the Best Patients to Operate On.


The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts, the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable.


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The Ranch


The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

"So, what did you name the ranch"? asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

"We had a heck of a time", admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch".

"Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So, where are all your cows"?

"None of 'em survived the branding".


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How to Turn a Woman on


A guy walks a woman to the door after there first date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a biker's black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest biker's bar. The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.

When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.

He asks her "Well, was I rough?" "Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"And was I Tough?" he asks.

"Oh yes," she moans.

"Well then, it's time to be selfish".

So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a hand-job.


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An 80 Year Old Man


An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"


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Female Logic


As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good; why can't you be good for nothing like your father?"


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Of Course It Will


A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."


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No Bonking!

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.

The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.

"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no bonking!"

They look at each other and yell back: "We're not bonking!"

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no bonking!"

Again they yell back, "We're not bonking!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no bonking!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not bonking!!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already bonking their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're bonking.


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯



The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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