Monday 16th July 2018 - 21:19:31 

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One Liners Version: 003

A horse walks up to the bar to get a drink and the bartender says 'what’s with the long face'?

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

A good pun is its own reword.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!


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Computers & Internet - General - Get The Most From The I.t. Dept.




  1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

  2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

  3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

  4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

  5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance delete it at once. We're just testing.

  6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

  7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

  8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

  9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

  10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

  11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

  12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

  13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

  14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

  15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

  16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

  17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

  18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

  19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

  20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

  21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

  22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

  23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

  24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.

  25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

  26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

  27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

  28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

  29. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

  30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.

  31. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

  32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

  33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office,leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.



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Respect your Elders!


They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room Full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love The way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached The desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today"?

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that".

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private".

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone".

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes, can I help you"??

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir"??

"I can't piss out of it", he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.


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My Daddy Smokes


Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes and he can blow smoke rings".

The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes".

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt".

"Really, have you seen it"? reply the boys.

The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear....."


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The Hi-tech Milking Machine


A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the swith on and ... everything else was automatic!

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder"?

"Don't worry", replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk".


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Top 10 Reasons E-mail Is Like a Penis




  • 10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

  • 9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

  • 8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

  • 7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).

  • 6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

  • 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

  • 4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

  • 3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

  • 2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

  • 1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.


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I'm Not Happy


While driving to work this morning and not really paying attention; I rear-ended a car at a traffic light.

When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf!

He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...'.

So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'


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The Best Bible Salesman


A guy with a severe stutter applied for a job selling Bibles. The interviewer believed he'd never make it as a salesman, and was
about to tell the guy to look elsewhere for work.

The stutterer begged for the job, "P-p-p-p-p-le-ease g-gg-g-ive m-m-m-mee a ch-ch-cha-a-ance. I-i-ic-c-can d-d-d-o i-i-tt."

"Well," the manager said, "OK," he'd give him a few Bibles and the rest of the day to see if he could sell one or two. By lunchtime, the stutterer was back, having sold all the Bibles. The manager was impressed and asked if he could accompany the stutterer after lunch.

"S-s-sure," said the guy, and later they went out to the streets.

They approached a house, and the stutterer went up and knocked on the door. When the homeowner answered, he said, "G-g-g-g-good
a-a-a-ftern-n-n-noon, M-m-ma'am. I-i-i'm s-s-s-selling B-b-b-bibles. W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like to b-b-b-buy a B-b-b-b-bbible, or sh-sh-sh-ould I j-j-j-j-ust r-r-read it t-t-t-to you?"


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Sleeping Late


The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times", gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it"?

It was easy". Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you".

"I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening".

So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.

"What's up, Boss"? he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you"?

"I don't care about you showing up twenty minutes today", growled the boss, "but where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday"?


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Five Surgeons Are Discussing Who Has the Best Patients to Operate On.


The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts, the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable.


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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