Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 20:39:17 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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The Indoctrination

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "Bubba, you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure too."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the town's main street.

Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, ma'am," the he stammers. "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

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Unrequited Love

The lowly stable boy could only watch and dream about the beautiful girl who came to ride her horse every afternoon. It was a case of unrequited love.

One day he was painting the empty stables and day-dreaming about his girl when he realised that he was painting the stall that her horse was kept in. The horse shied, coming into contact with the fresh paint and smearing it all over itself.

"What will I do?" he wondered. "I know -I'll continue to paint the stall and horse too. When she arrives to ride, she'll wonder who painted her horse green. I'll say I did it accidentally. As her horse dries I'll suggest we might ride double on the horse in the next stall. She'll agree and we'll ride together to the little pond out by the waterfall. We'll admire the scenery for a while, then she'll say, 'I'd love to go swimming but I didn't bring my suit.'

I'll tell her that no-one ever comes here at this time of day so we can safely swim in the nude. We'll skinny-dip for a while then lie close together on the grass. One thing will lead to another and we'll make mad, passionate love. That's what I'll do."

It was almost time for the beautiful girl to arrive so he hid in the next stall, eager to carry out the next stage of his
plan. The girl came to the stall, opened the door and exclaimed, "Who painted my horse green?"

Excitedly, the boy lept from his hiding place and shouted, "I did! Let's bonk!"

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One Night While Laying in Bed

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I finally found the remote!"

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One Liners Version: 003

A horse walks up to the bar to get a drink and the bartender says 'what’s with the long face'?

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

A good pun is its own reword.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

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Computers & Internet - General - Get The Most From The I.t. Dept.

  1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

  2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

  3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

  4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

  5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance delete it at once. We're just testing.

  6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

  7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

  8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

  9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

  10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

  11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

  12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

  13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

  14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

  15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

  16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

  17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

  18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

  19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

  20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

  21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

  22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

  23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

  24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.

  25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

  26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

  27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

  28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

  29. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

  30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.

  31. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

  32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

  33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office,leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

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Respect your Elders!

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room Full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love The way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached The desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today"?

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that".

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private".

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone".

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes, can I help you"??

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir"??

"I can't piss out of it", he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

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My Daddy Smokes

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes and he can blow smoke rings".

The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes".

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt".

"Really, have you seen it"? reply the boys.

The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear....."

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The Hi-tech Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the swith on and ... everything else was automatic!

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder"?

"Don't worry", replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk".

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Top 10 Reasons E-mail Is Like a Penis

  • 10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

  • 9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

  • 8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

  • 7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).

  • 6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

  • 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

  • 4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

  • 3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

  • 2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

  • 1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

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I'm Not Happy

While driving to work this morning and not really paying attention; I rear-ended a car at a traffic light.

When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf!

He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...'.

So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

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Old Jokes   78    79    80    81  82  83    84    85    86   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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