Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 08:50:46 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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The 'phone Call

A man answers the 'phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Nancy has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is".

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her".

"You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right".

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Nancy, your mother wants to talk to you"!

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Just No Pleasing Some People!

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

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They Have a Word for It As Well

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin’ the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

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The Shy Guy in the Singles Bar

Chuck was always shy with girls. One evening, he got his best friend, Bob, to go with him to a singles bar. Bob, being very experienced, was supposed to help Chuck in his quest for female companionship, and sexual companionship.

One sweet young thing in the room noticed Chuck, thought he was cute, and decided to make contact with him. Since she was a little shy, she could not just go up to him, but had to use gestures.

"Bob," Chuck said. "That girl over there is giving me the eye. What should I do?"

"Give her the eye back," replied Bob. So Chuck, as best as he could, gave her the eye. A few moments passed.

"Bob," said Chuck, now getting rather excited. "She's smiling at me. What do I do?"

"Smile back," was the reply. So Chuck, trying to appear cool and calm, smiled back. A few more moments passed.

"Bob!" exclaimed Chuck. "She bent over and showed me her tits. Now what do I do?"

"Show her your nuts," Bob calmly replied.

So Chuck turned toward the girl, stuck his thumbs in his ears, and waving his fingers stuck out his tongue, and wiggling it, exclaimed, "Bluble, bluble, bluble!"

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All Torn-up

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."

"Go on," the friend said.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.

"Did you ever goose a tiger?"

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Did You Enjoy the Sex?

A man and his wife are in the bedroom one night and they've just finished having sex.

"Honey, did you enjoy the sex we just had?" he asks.

"Yes, of course, Dear. Didn't you hear me laughing?"

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The New Chandelier for the Synagogue

Old Rabbi Wolfson was begging his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down sullen and hopeless in his ambition to acquire a chandelier.

Then the elder president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time talkin' for?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, ... we ain't got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody who could even play it. And third, what we need most in the synagogue is more light!"

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When a guy says that he likes a woman with a sense of humour, he IS NOT talking about a girl who tells jokes.

He's talking about a girl who laughs at his jokes!

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Just a Little More

Two housewives were discussing their home lives over shopping. One said, "It seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so
upset over our last fight I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another 10 pounds."

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Little Johnny's Homework Excuse

When little Johnny was in the fifth grade he looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Johnny, I hope it's not homework again"?

"Well, uh, yes it is", replied Johnny. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane".

"Johnny, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do", said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in".

"Oh, but that won't work", said Johnny, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked".

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Old Jokes   79    80    81    82  83  84    85    86    87   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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