Saturday 20th July 2019 - 16:16:49 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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It's All in the Colours


A visitor to the US from the Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Dutch flag. "Our flag symbolises our taxes" he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them".

"That's the same with us" the American said, "only we see stars, too".





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The Diet of Pool Balls - a Groaner


"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor", complained the patient.

"What have you been eating" asked the doctor?

"That's easy. I only eat pool balls".

"Pool balls" said the astonished doctor!!? "Maybe that's the trouble. What kind do you eat"?

"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner".

"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens"!


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The 'phone Call


A man answers the 'phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Nancy has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is".

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her".

"You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right".

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Nancy, your mother wants to talk to you"!


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Just No Pleasing Some People!


A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"


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They Have a Word for It As Well


Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin’ the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."



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The Shy Guy in the Singles Bar


Chuck was always shy with girls. One evening, he got his best friend, Bob, to go with him to a singles bar. Bob, being very experienced, was supposed to help Chuck in his quest for female companionship, and sexual companionship.

One sweet young thing in the room noticed Chuck, thought he was cute, and decided to make contact with him. Since she was a little shy, she could not just go up to him, but had to use gestures.

"Bob," Chuck said. "That girl over there is giving me the eye. What should I do?"

"Give her the eye back," replied Bob. So Chuck, as best as he could, gave her the eye. A few moments passed.

"Bob," said Chuck, now getting rather excited. "She's smiling at me. What do I do?"

"Smile back," was the reply. So Chuck, trying to appear cool and calm, smiled back. A few more moments passed.

"Bob!" exclaimed Chuck. "She bent over and showed me her tits. Now what do I do?"

"Show her your nuts," Bob calmly replied.

So Chuck turned toward the girl, stuck his thumbs in his ears, and waving his fingers stuck out his tongue, and wiggling it, exclaimed, "Bluble, bluble, bluble!"


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All Torn-up


A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."

"Go on," the friend said.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.

"Did you ever goose a tiger?"


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Did You Enjoy the Sex?


A man and his wife are in the bedroom one night and they've just finished having sex.

"Honey, did you enjoy the sex we just had?" he asks.

"Yes, of course, Dear. Didn't you hear me laughing?"


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The New Chandelier for the Synagogue


Old Rabbi Wolfson was begging his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down sullen and hopeless in his ambition to acquire a chandelier.

Then the elder president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time talkin' for?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, ... we ain't got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody who could even play it. And third, what we need most in the synagogue is more light!"


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Humour


When a guy says that he likes a woman with a sense of humour, he IS NOT talking about a girl who tells jokes.

He's talking about a girl who laughs at his jokes!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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