Tuesday 16th October 2018 - 02:28:32 

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One Upmanship Between Ladies


Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."


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City Boy


There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for. The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female.

The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it."

The city boy confused asked him what he meant. The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken."

The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm. A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was.

The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars." The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey outside in your yard."

The man just said, "That's an ass."

The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again." So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away. So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.

The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this beautiful women by using my new slang terms that I learned today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"


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10 Fingers


A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quickly rushed to the emergency room. The doctor
there told him, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"But I don't have the fingers!"

"What! You don't have the fingers!?" said the doctor, "You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done
like microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new."

"But Doc, I couldn't pick them up."


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Prostate Cancer


Doctor: Well, we better discuss treatment now for your prostate cancer. I recommend hormone therapy.

Man: Are there any side-effects?

Doctor: A few. You will have a loss of potency. You might get some hot flashes. And when lost, you will have an inexplicable urge to ask for directions.


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Speaking of Dying. . .


Since I have been diagnosed with cancer. I soon found that jokes about death took on new meaning, such as this one.

Three buddies were talking about death and dying. One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"


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Prostatectomy


A man elects to have a prostatectomy (removal of the prostate) and asks the surgeon to try to spare the nerves that produce an erection.

Well, he goes into surgery and wakes up in the recovery room and sees his doctor.

Man: So how did it go?

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Man: Give me the good news first.

Doctor: We were able to save the nerves.

Man: That's great news! What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're under your pillow.


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Guess Who One the Bet.


Sam and Abe, now in their late seventies, first met in the second grade in a school on the lower East Side of New York. Their relationship now is one of playing pinochle, playing jokes and making bets.

Sam calls Abe and says, "I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars"!

Abe says, "How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you..."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. One thousand dollars...yes or no"?

Abe says, "Okay, okay, I'll take your bet! How long is yours soft"?

Sam says, "Eleven years".


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The Call of Nature


Ernie's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden Nature calls.

He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.

When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, women are dancing on the tables nd there's hardly standing room anywhere.

Ernie scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.

When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he's ever had, right there in the hole.

Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul is in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.

"What happened!?!" asks Ernie.

The bartender responds, "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"


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After the Honeymoon

The morning after their honeymoon, the wife said to her husband, "Y'know, you're really a lousy lover"!

The husband replied, "How would you know after only 30 seconds"?


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It's All in the Colours


A visitor to the US from the Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Dutch flag. "Our flag symbolises our taxes" he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them".

"That's the same with us" the American said, "only we see stars, too".





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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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