Saturday 26th September 2020 - 09:57:04 

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The Bronze Rat


A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

T he owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

T his was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Blacks, a Poof, a Liverpool supporter and anything Indian!"


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The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist


Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors"

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics".

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive". Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds".

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".

Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".

No way.

"Nuts and Butts"?

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks"?

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons"?

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it!


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Two Old Ladies Chatting


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, knitting. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny"?

The other replies, "Oh, sure I do".

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it"?

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver".

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Er... who drives you to the beach"?


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Grounds for Divorce?


"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago".


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One Upmanship Between Ladies


Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."


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City Boy


There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for. The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female.

The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it."

The city boy confused asked him what he meant. The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken."

The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm. A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was.

The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars." The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey outside in your yard."

The man just said, "That's an ass."

The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again." So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away. So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.

The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this beautiful women by using my new slang terms that I learned today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"


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10 Fingers


A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quickly rushed to the emergency room. The doctor
there told him, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"But I don't have the fingers!"

"What! You don't have the fingers!?" said the doctor, "You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done
like microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new."

"But Doc, I couldn't pick them up."


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Prostate Cancer


Doctor: Well, we better discuss treatment now for your prostate cancer. I recommend hormone therapy.

Man: Are there any side-effects?

Doctor: A few. You will have a loss of potency. You might get some hot flashes. And when lost, you will have an inexplicable urge to ask for directions.


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Speaking of Dying. . .


Since I have been diagnosed with cancer. I soon found that jokes about death took on new meaning, such as this one.

Three buddies were talking about death and dying. One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"


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Prostatectomy


A man elects to have a prostatectomy (removal of the prostate) and asks the surgeon to try to spare the nerves that produce an erection.

Well, he goes into surgery and wakes up in the recovery room and sees his doctor.

Man: So how did it go?

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Man: Give me the good news first.

Doctor: We were able to save the nerves.

Man: That's great news! What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're under your pillow.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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