Saturday 24th August 2019 - 21:03:47 

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Shipwrecked On A Desert Island

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman

- Two French men and one French woman

- Two German men and one German woman

- Two Greek men and one Greek woman

- Two English men and one English woman

- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

- Two Irish men and one Irish woman

- Two American men and one American woman


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:


* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell phone so they could call 911 and get rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping...




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Piano


A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"

"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.

"No," he sighed forlornly. "I left the tickets on it."


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Is that Rain?

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"


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Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind


I had amnesia once -- or twice.


Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.


All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.


If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.


What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?


They told me I was gullible and I believed them.


Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.


Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.


One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.


I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.


The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.


How can there be self-help groups?


If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?


Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.


Is it me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?



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The Bronze Rat


A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

T he owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

T his was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Blacks, a Poof, a Liverpool supporter and anything Indian!"


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The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist


Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors"

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics".

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive". Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds".

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".

Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".

No way.

"Nuts and Butts"?

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks"?

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons"?

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it!


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Two Old Ladies Chatting


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, knitting. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny"?

The other replies, "Oh, sure I do".

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it"?

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver".

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Er... who drives you to the beach"?


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Grounds for Divorce?


"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago".


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One Upmanship Between Ladies


Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."


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City Boy


There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for. The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female.

The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it."

The city boy confused asked him what he meant. The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken."

The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm. A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was.

The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars." The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey outside in your yard."

The man just said, "That's an ass."

The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again." So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away. So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.

The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this beautiful women by using my new slang terms that I learned today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"


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AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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The idea is to die young as late as possible

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