Monday 22nd October 2018 - 17:23:26 

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Doctor in Newfoundland


A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,George, how was your day?"

George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Asprin."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Alka-seltzer, sir" says George.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."


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Tree Huggers


While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

"This just ain't gonna be your day, darling"!


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English and Irish Man Joke


A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Paddy shouts 'Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh * t.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you'.

The Paddy shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in'.



Update:

Speaking German in Texas

In Texas, there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population. One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: ("Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it".)

The man shouted back, "I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English".

The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more".








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Sunshine!



In the days when the British Empire was at its height, someone wrote on the wall of a lavatory:

"The sun never sets on the British Empire":

Somebody added, "because God doesn't trust the British in the dark!"


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Moans


Moanin' Mike is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life. Moanin' says, I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and most of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams, 'Faster'!!

"Man, you lucky dog"! Says his one buddy. "But come on and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life"?

"The only problem I have..." Moanin' Mike said dejectedly, "Is when she screams, 'Deeper"!!!


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Recruiting for the Air Force

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"


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Little Sister


A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"


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Gross but Innovative


A man who just died is delivered to a Louisiana mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Boudreaux the mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Boudreaux a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, just have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Boudreaux, "Whatever the suit cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very gratef ul. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, Boudreaux presents her with the blank check. "Dere’s no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," Boudreaux says, "it didn't cost me a ting. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So, I just switched the heads."


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Country Funeral . . .


As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the earse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, stepped to the side of the open grave and saw that the vault lid was already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.!


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Shipwrecked On A Desert Island

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman

- Two French men and one French woman

- Two German men and one German woman

- Two Greek men and one Greek woman

- Two English men and one English woman

- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

- Two Irish men and one Irish woman

- Two American men and one American woman


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:


* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell phone so they could call 911 and get rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping...




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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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