Thursday 22nd August 2019 - 00:52:37 

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Always the Lawyer..


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 mllion dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies:"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"


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Dirty Fork


A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a d irty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"


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Embarrassing Medical Exams



  1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
    baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the
    lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
    that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco


  2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
    and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
    instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


  3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that
    her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
    minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
    had died of a "massive internal fart."

    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


  4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
    cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
    with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse
    told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
    places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
    I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now,
    the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

    submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


  5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
    long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
    answered.. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR


  6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
    checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
    "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
    to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the
    woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

    Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


  7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
    purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
    tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
    determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
    for immediate surgery.

    When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
    noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was
    a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was
    completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
    which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

    Submitted by RN no name


    AND FINALLY!!!................



  8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
    embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my
    embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
    The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
    out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
    sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
    doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
    Meyer Wiener".

    Dr. wouldn't submit his name



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Dorothy and Edna, Two Widows, Are Talking


Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer".


Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you",

Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times"!

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him"?

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".


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Dumb Blonde Waitress?


Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the Blond waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper..."

"Oh," the blond waitress interrupted.

"Sorry about that."

She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them!


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A Wise Old Man



A wise old man retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.

In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I?ll give you each a dollar if you?ll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession?s really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I?ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and they continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven?t received my Social Security check yet, so I?m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we?re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you?re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.


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Doctor in Newfoundland


A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,George, how was your day?"

George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Asprin."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Alka-seltzer, sir" says George.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."


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Tree Huggers


While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

"This just ain't gonna be your day, darling"!


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English and Irish Man Joke


A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Paddy shouts 'Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh * t.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you'.

The Paddy shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in'.



Update:

Speaking German in Texas

In Texas, there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population. One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: ("Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it".)

The man shouted back, "I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English".

The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more".








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Sunshine!



In the days when the British Empire was at its height, someone wrote on the wall of a lavatory:

"The sun never sets on the British Empire":

Somebody added, "because God doesn't trust the British in the dark!"


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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