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Bob Hill and his Wife Betty Are Vacationing in Europe.
On a rainy day they are driving through Transylvania when Bob loses control of their rental car and wraps it around the trunk of a huge tree.
Bob is badly injured, but is conscious. He checks Betty and sees that she`s unconscious and bleeding from the head. Every bone in his body is aching, but Bob sees a light in the distance so he scoops Betty into his arms, carries her through the rain and ends up standing in front of a huge door.
Bob knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door and Bob says, "You`ve got to let me use your phone. We`ve been in an accident, and my wife has been terribly injured."
"I`m sorry," says the hunchback, "We don`t have a phone, but my master is a doctor; come in and I`ll get him!"
Soon an elegant looking man comes down a stairway and introduces himself. "I am not a medical doctor," he says, "but a scientist. It is many miles from here to the nearest doctor, but I do have some basic medical training, and will be happy to help if I can."
"Please," Bob pleaded. "Save my wife`s life."
With that, Bob collapses to the floor beside his wife and despite the efforts of the scientist and his assistant, both Bob and Betty die.
The scientist is shattered by his failure to help Bob and Betty and sits down at his grand piano to console himself with music. While his assistant prepares to move Bob and Betty`s bodies, the scientist plays, and the power and beauty of his talent fills the house. Suddenly, the assistant sees what looks like a small twitch of Betty`s hand then he looks over at Bob and Bob`s eyelids are fluttering!
Now Betty`s feet are moving and both of her eyes are opening! The assistant is beside himself with joy and runs to his master and says, "Master! Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music"!
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Little Johnny goes up to a prostitute and asks, "How much for a blow job?"
"Four hundred bucks," the hooker says.
"Four hundred bucks? That's awfully expensive." Little Johnny tries to talk her down, but she won't lower her price. He really wants the blowjob, so he eventually agrees to pay the four hundred dollars. After handing over the money, he immediately starts to jack off.
"What are you doing that for?" she asks.
"For four hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?" says Little Johnny
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The Magical Frog
There once was a magical frog who lived in a huge forest. The forest was so big that he had never seen another animal as long as he lived. One day he was walking to the stream when he happened to come across a bear chasing a rabbit for his lunch.
He stopped them and called them over and said "I'm a magical frog. Seeing as you are the first two animals I've ever seen in my life, I'll give you each three wishes. You may have one wish at a time, and the bear may go first, because he is the biggest."
The bear thinks about it for a while and finally says "I wish every bear in this forest besides me was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every other bear in this forest is now female. Rabbit, what's your first wish?"
The rabbit quickly says "I want a crash helmet". The frog thought this was a bit weird, but said nothing. He snapped his fingers and a crash helmet appeared in front of the rabbit, who then strapped it on without thinking twice.
The frog turns to the bear and says "What's your second wish?" The bear says "Well.. I wish every bear in the NEXT forest was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear in the next forest is female. Rabbit- Your next wish?"
The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. This was too much for the bear, who thought the rabbit was wasting his wishes. "What the hell are you doing? Why don't you wish for all the money in the world and go BUY a motorcycle??" The rabbit replies "No, I want a motorcycle NOW" So the frog snaps his fingers and a motorbike magically appears in front of the rabbit, who proceeds to hop on and gun the engine. The frog then asked the bear what his last wish would be.
"Gee," said the bear, "this is going GREAT! I wish every other bear in the WORLD besides me was a female!" The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear on earth besides you is female. Rabbit, what's your last wish?"
The rabbit said- "I wish the bear was a homo".
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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
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Always the Lawyer..
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 mllion dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies:"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a d irty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
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Embarrassing Medical Exams
- A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
- At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
- One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
- During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now,
the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
- While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered.. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
- I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
- A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was
a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
- As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
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Dorothy and Edna, Two Widows, Are Talking
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer".
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you",
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times"!
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him"?
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".
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Dumb Blonde Waitress?
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the Blond waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper..."
"Oh," the blond waitress interrupted.
"Sorry about that."
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them!
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A Wise Old Man
A wise old man retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.
In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I?ll give you each a dollar if you?ll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession?s really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I?ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and they continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven?t received my Social Security check yet, so I?m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we?re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you?re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
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