Tuesday 23rd July 2019 - 08:35:05 

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You Are No Longer 'cool' When...

1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.

2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

5. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.

6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a
new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

7. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-
inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Pink Floyd and
Black Sabbath.

8. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of
grabbing beer and joining in.

9. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you
have to work the next day.

10. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

11. When jogging is something you do to your memory.

12. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.

13. Sex becomes: "All that foolishness."

14. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

15. All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

16. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a
corporation.

17. You bought your first car for the same price you paid
for your son's new running shoes.

18. You actually ASK for your father's advice.

19. You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a
surf board.


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Planting the Seed...

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher,in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out,continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."



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Millions of Years Ago...

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television... and later to the remote control.

[I don’t know who said this, but it sounds like Dave Berry]


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A Man Went to the Doctor...

A man went to the doctor because he had a problem with his penis dripping after had urinated.

The doctor said, "No problem, we can fix that for you. It is really a simple procedure. We just graft a piece of skin from your nose onto your penis and it will take care of the problem."

After the operation, the guy went to the washroom to see if the operation worked. He peed, shook and waited. Suddenly a small drip began to form and he thought to himself, it didn't work! Then all of a sudden he heard "sniffff" and it was gone!


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Lola's Graduation

Lola had been a senior at the Dallas University for Mutant Blondes (D.U.M.B.) for 12 long years without graduating.

Finally, the Dean called her in and explained that she was setting some kind of record for having been a senior the longest without graduating. He explained that he was afraid that she might be giving DUMB a bad name. "So I have a plan.", he said. "I will ask you one question. If you get it right, you can graduate. If you are wrong, you will have to leave." But he continued, "We want to give you as much support as possible. So we will ask you the question at mid-field of the football stadium. We will invite the entire DUMB student body to attend and give you support. Lola said that she felt that was a fair deal.

On the set day at the appointed time all the blondes at DUMB filed into the stadium and took a seat. Then Lola and the Dean entered and went to mid-field. The Dean repeated the rules and asked Lola if she understood and agreed.

Lola nodded her acceptance.

The question is, said the Dean,. How much are 2+2?

Lola's face tightened and she started repeating the question to herself. Then she started biting her lower lip.

The Dean told her to take her time because so much was riding on her answer.

Lola then started kicking the dirt at her feet all the while repeating the question. Finally her face lit up and she shouted, "2+2=4!!!

The entire student body stood up and screamed in unison, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!!


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What Goes on in Nursing Homes

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you in the rocker".

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life".

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room" says the old man?

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocker"!




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Outhouse Repairs

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,"Ma, There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"


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Breakfast Joke

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet", said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother wit! h a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"




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Two Lawyers Stranded on a Desert Island

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow!! I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked brunette woman floating face up headed toward the island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking the other guy had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked brunette woman, unconscious.

They went over to her and discovered she was alive.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know, screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"



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A Man is Driving Down the Road and Breaks Down Near a Monastery.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car
broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens
that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to
his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns
trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a
seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the
man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making
that beautiful sound is is to become a monk, then please, make
me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how
many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains
of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a
monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. "I have traveled the
earth and have found what you have asked for: By design, the
world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what
you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he
is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self
deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk
says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the
wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the
key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made
of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald,
gold and diamond.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the
door! He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door
he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and
seductive sound... But I can't tell you what it is because
you're not a monk.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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