Tuesday 16th October 2018 - 01:53:53 

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Cruise Ship


DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and atte ntive gentleman.


DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside . The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice


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I'm Lost

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night"!


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Poetry or Prose?


The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class,

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go".

She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing
the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her".

A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose.

Little Johnny raised his hand and recited,

"Mary had a little
pig, an ornery little runt,
he stuck his nose in Mary's
clothes, and smelled her little--"

He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.

"Prose"! the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, "Asshole".


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Bob Hill and his Wife Betty Are Vacationing in Europe.


On a rainy day they are driving through Transylvania when Bob loses control of their rental car and wraps it around the trunk of a huge tree.

Bob is badly injured, but is conscious. He checks Betty and sees that she`s unconscious and bleeding from the head. Every bone in his body is aching, but Bob sees a light in the distance so he scoops Betty into his arms, carries her through the rain and ends up standing in front of a huge door.

Bob knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door and Bob says, "You`ve got to let me use your phone. We`ve been in an accident, and my wife has been terribly injured."

"I`m sorry," says the hunchback, "We don`t have a phone, but my master is a doctor; come in and I`ll get him!"

Soon an elegant looking man comes down a stairway and introduces himself. "I am not a medical doctor," he says, "but a scientist. It is many miles from here to the nearest doctor, but I do have some basic medical training, and will be happy to help if I can."

"Please," Bob pleaded. "Save my wife`s life."

With that, Bob collapses to the floor beside his wife and despite the efforts of the scientist and his assistant, both Bob and Betty die.

The scientist is shattered by his failure to help Bob and Betty and sits down at his grand piano to console himself with music. While his assistant prepares to move Bob and Betty`s bodies, the scientist plays, and the power and beauty of his talent fills the house. Suddenly, the assistant sees what looks like a small twitch of Betty`s hand then he looks over at Bob and Bob`s eyelids are fluttering!

Now Betty`s feet are moving and both of her eyes are opening! The assistant is beside himself with joy and runs to his master and says, "Master! Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music"!


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Easy?


Little Johnny goes up to a prostitute and asks, "How much for a blow job?"

"Four hundred bucks," the hooker says.

"Four hundred bucks? That's awfully expensive." Little Johnny tries to talk her down, but she won't lower her price. He really wants the blowjob, so he eventually agrees to pay the four hundred dollars. After handing over the money, he immediately starts to jack off.

"What are you doing that for?" she asks.

"For four hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?" says Little Johnny


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The Magical Frog


There once was a magical frog who lived in a huge forest. The forest was so big that he had never seen another animal as long as he lived. One day he was walking to the stream when he happened to come across a bear chasing a rabbit for his lunch.

He stopped them and called them over and said "I'm a magical frog. Seeing as you are the first two animals I've ever seen in my life, I'll give you each three wishes. You may have one wish at a time, and the bear may go first, because he is the biggest."

The bear thinks about it for a while and finally says "I wish every bear in this forest besides me was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every other bear in this forest is now female. Rabbit, what's your first wish?"

The rabbit quickly says "I want a crash helmet". The frog thought this was a bit weird, but said nothing. He snapped his fingers and a crash helmet appeared in front of the rabbit, who then strapped it on without thinking twice.

The frog turns to the bear and says "What's your second wish?" The bear says "Well.. I wish every bear in the NEXT forest was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear in the next forest is female. Rabbit- Your next wish?"

The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. This was too much for the bear, who thought the rabbit was wasting his wishes. "What the hell are you doing? Why don't you wish for all the money in the world and go BUY a motorcycle??" The rabbit replies "No, I want a motorcycle NOW" So the frog snaps his fingers and a motorbike magically appears in front of the rabbit, who proceeds to hop on and gun the engine. The frog then asked the bear what his last wish would be.

"Gee," said the bear, "this is going GREAT! I wish every other bear in the WORLD besides me was a female!" The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear on earth besides you is female. Rabbit, what's your last wish?"

The rabbit said- "I wish the bear was a homo".


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Chinese Torture


A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".



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Always the Lawyer..


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 mllion dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies:"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"


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Dirty Fork


A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a d irty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"


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Embarrassing Medical Exams



  1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
    baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the
    lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
    that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco


  2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
    and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
    instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


  3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that
    her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
    minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
    had died of a "massive internal fart."

    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


  4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
    cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
    with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse
    told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
    places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
    I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now,
    the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

    submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


  5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
    long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
    answered.. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR


  6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
    checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
    "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
    to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the
    woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

    Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


  7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
    purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
    tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
    determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
    for immediate surgery.

    When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
    noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was
    a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was
    completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
    which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

    Submitted by RN no name


    AND FINALLY!!!................



  8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
    embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my
    embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
    The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
    out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
    sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
    doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
    Meyer Wiener".

    Dr. wouldn't submit his name



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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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